


Tear in my Heart

by edema_ruh



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Blood, Broken Bones, Eventual Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Head Injury, Horses, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Love Confessions, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Not a death fic, Pining, Police Brutality, Protectiveness, Protests, Punctured Lungs, Rallies, Rally gone wrong, Riots, Self-Sacrifice, Speeches, Worry, copious amounts of blood, enjolras is also in pain, i'm running out of angsty ideas, implied depression, they're both in pain and bleeding a lot, this is basically grantaire in pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-06-10 08:25:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6947572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edema_ruh/pseuds/edema_ruh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Amis organize a protest but things soon go south, and Grantaire finds he must protect an injured Enjolras - even if it means throwing himself in the face of danger.<br/>(Or, the one where Enjolras has been in love with Grantaire for months, but it takes a head injury and a horse for him to finally figure his feelings out).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Enjolras was standing on the stage, looking fierce, delivering a passionate speech on equality and freedom of speech when Grantaire felt the crowd start to stir and get agitated. He looked around, trying to find a familiar face between the hundreds of people listening to Enjolras, but found none. Pulling out his phone, he sent a quick text to Bahorel telling him to keep an eye open for any possible trouble. 

The tension amongst the crowd only grew as Enjolras' speech went further, even the policemen surrounding the square started to realize it. Their horses were fidgeting and neighing, bothered by the loud voices emerging from the crowd and yelling insults at Enjolras. The leader proceeded with the speech, looking stoic and more than ever like a marble statue. Grantaire looked up at him from his place on the middle of the crowd, worried. People were getting too agitated, it would be better if Enjolras would just get the hell out of that stage and stop being an easy target. He texted Combeferre that, but the man never replied, too caught up on Enjolras' words to notice the phone buzzing inside his pocket. 

A woman in front of Grantaire started shouting vicious words, raising an angry fist as she threw slurs at the leader. Enjolras automatically turned his head towards her general direction, caught up by her cries but never stopping to deliver his speech. He found Grantaire standing right behind her, frowning, and they locked eyes for a second that felt like an eternity. 

Then a sudden splurt of blood gushed from Enjolras' forehead, and he fell limply to the stage floor with a sickening thud. 

Someone had thrown a rock at his head. 

Chaos reigned on the crowd. People immediately started pushing each other, desperately trying to get away before something worse happened. It was a true pandemonium, Grantaire found himself being dragged by the crowd and away from the stage, and just as he turned back and went against the masses a gunshot echoed across the square.  

The screams only intensified at this, and Grantaire had to push harder to get people out of his way as he tried to reach the stage. He needed to see Enjolras. He needed to touch him, to feel the warmth of his skin, to know he was alive. To know he was ok. 

The police was confronting the protesters now, using force to diminish the chaos. It didn’t take long for someone throw a punch, and suddenly what started as a peaceful protest ended up a violent riot, with the police and the protesters fighting each other, until the police finally started using force to control the people. The acrid smell of mace and sweat started to fill the air as Grantaire finally got close enough to the stage, only to find it empty. Another gunshot echoed and the cynic squatted down on reflex, trying to protect himself. Some people were still pushing and bumping him, and he still couldn’t spot any of the Amis. 

Suddenly a mop of golden curls called his attention and he saw a disheveled Combeferre practically dragging Enjolras away from the crowd and out of the square. Grantaire ran up to them, but before he could reach them a policeman on a horse stood on their way, yelling something over the hundreds of voices filling the air. Grantaire couldn’t hear what he was saying, but he didn’t stop running. He saw Combeferre get in front of Enjolras protectively, and the leader lost balance of his feet without Combeferre to sustain part of his weight, but somehow he managed to stay upright. 

The policeman unmounted his horse and grabbed Combeferre's hands just as Grantaire reached them, immediately taking Enjolras' arm and passing it over his shoulder, taking his weight. Enjolras leaned heavily on Grantaire, looking up at him with glassy eyes and a groggy half-smile. Half of his pale face was covered in blood, which was oozing from the deep cut on his forehead.  

The policeman arresting Combeferre saw Grantaire helping Enjolras and yelled "you two, stop!", letting go of Combeferre's now handcuffed hands and chasing the pair. Grantaire couldn’t exactly run, not while sustaining basically all of Enjolras' weight, and the man easily caught up with them, pulling Grantaire's arm with more force than necessary and dragging the pair back to where Combeferre was standing beside the man's fidgeting horse. 

"He needs immediate medical attention", Combeferre stated, pointing at Enjolras with his chin. 

"You should have thought about this before starting this riot", the man growled with disdain, and his tone of voice must have upset his horse further, because the animal started neighing and pawing the ground with his front hooves. Combeferre opened his mouth to speak, but before he could do so, another gunshot echoed on the square, followed by more screaming. The horse was completely unquiet by now, neighing loudly and trying to move away from them. Combeferre took a step back, and before the policeman could grab a hold of a handcuff to arrest Grantaire and Enjolras, the horse started kicking nervously. 

Grantaire threw himself in front of Enjolras, who was too groggy to immediately realize what was happening. The cynic attempted to shield him from the kicks as best as he could, slowly backing away from the horse and pushing Enjolras further behind him. Enjolras, who was sustaining a head injury and was probably too out of it to have full comprehension of the situation, found himself frightened by the large animal in front of them and tried to get away, immediately stumbling. He would have fallen face first on the ground if Grantaire hadn't manage to grab him by the arm and hoist him back up.  

"Grantaire, watch out!" Combeferre yelled, sounding terrified. 

Grantaire only had time to turn and see the horse was mere inches away from them now. He knew there was no way they wouldn’t be trampled. All he could do was pull Enjolras so that he stood directly behind him and take a deep breath. The hoof connected with Grantaire's torso, the cynic taking most of the impact, and the pair was sent flying across the air from the force of the kick. Enjolras collided harshly with the floor, miraculously avoiding to hit his head on it as Grantaire's body fell above him, immediately going limp and crushing Enjolras to the floor. 

- 

Enjolras managed to crawl from beneath Grantaire's weight, wincing at the pain on his back. He would probably sustain a lot of bruises from the impact. 

He turned to the side, feeling dizzy and confused. He knew something had hit him in the head and now his brain was sluggish; he also knew that the protest had gone south and Combeferre was trying to get him to safety when the policeman stopped them. Then Grantaire was there – he had felt relieved to see Grantaire, though he couldn’t exactly pinpoint why – and so was a crazy horse, which started being loud and kicking. He had tried to get away from crazy horse, but Grantaire had hold him and pulled him behind him. Then something hit Grantaire and they both fell down, Grantaire on the top of Enjolras. He wouldn’t normally mind having Grantaire on the top of him, Enjolras thought with his sluggish mind, but Grantaire was kind of heavy right now and his back an head were aching. 

"Are you ok?" Enjolras asked Grantaire, slurring his speech. Grantaire was lying still on the floor, eyes open and staring straight ahead at the sky. His mouth was slightly ajar. "R?" Enjolras frowned, shaking his shoulder. Grantaire always gave Enjolras attention, why wasn’t he doing so right now? 

Suddenly Combeferre appeared on Enjolras side, hands still cuffed in front of him and a tiny smear of blood on his forehead. His glasses were gone, and, looking behind him, Enjolras noticed that the horse was also gone. The police man, on the other hand, was lying unconscious on the ground. 

"Enjolras, oh my god, are you ok? Did the horse hurt you?" Combeferre asked, frantic. 

"Did you headbutt that man?" Enjolras slurred, frowning. 

"Yes, but I- Grantaire?" Combeferre suddenly asked. 

Grantaire was still lying on the ground, but he was no longer still. His back arched from the floor, chest convulsing, as if he was trying to suck the air in but failing to do so. 

"R, wha's wrong?" Enjolras asked, sluggish brain not understanding what was going on. 

"He took the worse of the blow", Combeferre commented, astonished, pulling Grantaire's shirt up. He let out a loud gasp upon seeing the man's upper torso. 

Several of Grantaire's ribs had sunken from the blow, cracked. A brownish/purplish color was starting to appear around the area, injuries already bruising. 

"We need to take him to a hospital righ-", Combeferre started saying, eyes wide in shock, but was cut off by the sound Grantaire started to make. 

There was fresh blood leaking from Grantaire's nostrils and mouth, and there was a sickening gurgling sound being emitted from his throat. His unseeing eyes were still open, which only made the sight more horrific. 

"Grantaire? What's going on?" Enjolras asked, sounding frightened, hands desperately hovering over Grantaire's body, unsure of what to do. "Combeferre, help him!" 

Combeferre pulled his phone out and basically threw it at Enjolras, who was kneeling beside Grantaire's head. 

"Quick, call Joly and tell him what happened, then call an ambulance!" Combeferre basically ordered, urging Grantaire into a sitting position and kneeling behind him to keep him propped up. More blood oozed from the cynic's mouth, leaving his chin and the front of his shirt red, but it didn’t stop the terrible sound he was making, as if he was drowning on mud. His mouth was wide open now, and his entire body convulsed, trying to suck the air in to no avail. 

Enjolras searched for Joly's number on the contact list, since he couldn’t remember it for the life of him – why couldn't he remember? Would he be like that forever now? His hands trembled as he raised the phone to his ear and waited for his friend to pick up. It took longer than it usually would, but when Joly finally picked up a loud noise invaded Enjolras' ears, sending a sharp pain across his skull. What sounded like thousands of voices filled the call, sirens resounding in the distance. 

"Meet me back at mine", Joly had to yell over all that noise to be heard. "Is Enjolras ok? Bring him there, don’t take him to the hospital or he'll be-" 

"Joly", Enjolras interrupted, voice unusually shaky with fear. 

"Enjolras? Is that you? Where are you?" Joly asked, clearly worried. 

"You have to come here, Joly", Enjolras said, voice breaking. There was something warm on his cheeks, but that couldn’t be blood, could it? He raised his free hand up to touch it and stared at his fingertips in confusion when he saw the tears. Was he crying? 

"What happened? Where are you?" Joly asked as soon as he realized Enjolras wouldn’t finish speaking. 

"We're by the stage", Enjolras said, voice breaking again. No, not breaking, he was... sobbing? What the hell was wrong with him? "Please come here quickly, Grantaire is dying", he cried, and just upon saying these words he realized that was a possibility. Grantaire could die. That sounded so unreal that made Enjolras dizzy. Grantaire... he couldn’t die, could he? Before Enjolras had the chance of telling him how he felt? 

How did he feel? 

"Grantaire- _what?_ " Joly basically yelled. "Call an ambulance", he told someone Enjolras couldn’t see, voice muffled. "Enjolras, I'm already on my way. Tell me what happened?" 

"There was a horse", Enjolras said, tears flowing freely from his eyes now. The thought of losing Grantaire made his heart tighten for some reason, made him nauseous. He found he could no longer stay on his knees and had to lean on the ground by his free hand, breathing heavily. In front of him, Grantaire was still emitting gurgling sounds, eyelids now half closed and face pale than Enjolras had ever seen. 

"A horse?" Joly urged, panting. He sounded like he was actually running. 

"He kicked us", Enjolras continued, voice sounding week and frightened. He couldn’t look at Grantaire, there was so much blood. It wouldn’t stop flowing from his nostrils and mouth, how was it possible for him to be expelling that much blood? On the phone, he could hear Joly pant something that sounded like a frightened "oh my god", and Enjolras was reminded that he hadn't finished explaining. "Grantaire protected me", Enjolras continued, remembering the way Grantaire had pulled him behind him and served as a human shield. The memory made Enjolras' stomach churn. "Ferre says he got the worst of it". 

Suddenly the line went dead, and Enjolras stared at the phone screen with confusion and fear. But then he heard loud, echoing footsteps coming from behind him and turned his dizzy head to see Joly arriving, running at full speed with a first aid kit on hand. He came to a halt as he stared at Grantaire with wide eyes, tears already pooling on them. Enjolras didn’t look at the cynic. He couldn’t. 

Even without looking, Enjolras could hear the terrible sounds that Grantaire was still making. He couldn’t breathe, could he? He wouldn’t sound like this if he could... 

"Quickly, on his side!", Joly yelled as he got to his knees. Combeferre immediately moved from his position propping Grantaire – making the man's body fall back and nearly collide with the ground, being stopped in time by Joly's grip on his arms – and helped the doctor turn him on his side on his lying position on the floor. 

Blood basically poured from Grantaire's mouth, pooling at the floor beneath his head as he started to cough it out. Enjolras finally decided he could no longer avoid looking at Grantaire, and turned his head. 

Grantaire was lying on his side, Joly holding him in position and Combeferre pillowing his head with one of his hands. The pool of blood below him was growing slowly as the red liquid kept oozing from his ajar mouth. His eyes had finally closed, only a bit of the whites showing beneath the lightly shut lids, and there were dark purple bruises beneath them.  

Suddenly Grantaire coughed and whimpered, groaning in pain. Enjolras realized his own hand was caressing Grantaire's curls – when had he started doing so? - and he was leaning over Grantaire, murmuring comforting words on his ear. The words were flowing from Enjolras' mouth without him even realizing it, and his sluggish brain finally caught up with what his mouth was saying. 

"You're gonna be ok", Enjolras was whispering on Grantaire's ear. The man trembled beneath him, breath wheezing and whistling. "Breathe for me. I'm so sorry I never told you. I can't believe you saved my life. You shouldn’t have done this. You can't die, not like this. Not before I tell you". 

Those feelings had been growing inside Enjolras for the past few months, but he never spared enough time or thought to them to truly understand what was going on inside his heart. After all, he had never felt that way before. 

The truth was, Enjolras had been in love with Grantaire for months now, but it took a head injury and a horse for him to finally figure that out. He thought it had been just an infatuation, a quick unrequited feeling that would go away in no time. But it lasted, it lasted for so long that now just seeing Grantaire bleeding like that made Enjolras want to rip his hair out and scream. He felt confused as to why he ~~loved~~ liked him so much, but the thought of losing his favorite cynic forever and never seeing him again was too much. He was openly sobbing now, completely forgetting about Combeferre and Joly seeing him on that humiliating position. 

"Please don't go", Enjolras sobbed. "Don’t leave me. I'm sorry I never told you. I should have told you before, in a better moment. I love you. Please. Don’t go. I'm sorry. It's my fault". 

"Where's that goddamn ambulance?" Joly cried. 

Grantaire had leaned his head slightly back, towards Enjolras. His eyes were still closed but it looked like he was trying to say something. A mere whimper was emitted from his lips, and he frowned in pain. 

"I'm sorry", Enjolras continued. "You'll be ok. I promise, you'll be just fine. Just stay with me". His head was aching terribly and his vision blurred further. His hand never stopped caressing Grantaire's curls. 

The ear piercing sound of the ambulance siren – when did that sound get that loud? Or was it just Enjolras' concussion? - filled his ears and suddenly there were paramedics urging Enjolras away and shoving Grantaire into a mattress. Enjolras tried to get to his feet and follow, but was too unsteady to do so and fell on his side on the ground. 

"Enjolras needs medical attention too", Combeferre told Joly, who was following the paramedics. 

"He can't go to any hospital or he'll be arrested", Joly told Combeferre. "Take him to mine". 

"But Joly, he-" 

"Take him to mine!", Joly roared, climbing the ambulance. 

Finally realizing that the ambulance would take off and drive Grantaire away from him, Enjolras came to action. He tried to crawl towards the vehicle, hand outstretched, uselessly trying to reach for Grantaire.  

"No", Enjolras muttered weakly. "I need to be with him". 

"Peace, Enjolras", Combeferre said, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder and stopping him from dragging himself across the floor. 

"I need to be with him", he repeated, voice barely a whisper. The ambulance's doors closed, blocking Grantaire's lying form away from their view. Enjolras sobbed as the vehicle came to a start and drove away, disappearing in a few seconds. 

"You will be, but you're unwell. Let's go to Joly, ok?" Combeferre said, soothingly. 

"But I love him", Enjolras protested, looking at Combeferre with teary eyes. Why didn’t he understand? 

"I know, E", his best friend said, pulling Enjolras for a hug. "I know".


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, I have no medical training or specific understanding, therefore there may be mistakes regarding this matter and I apologize in advance for that.

Enjolras sat on Joly's couch on a half-conscious state for what felt like an eternity before the man finally arrived. 

Combeferre was beside him the whole time, slowly caressing Enjolras' curls in a comforting manner as he leaned on his shoulder and wept silently. Enjolras couldn’t remember ever feeling this bad in his entire life. He could vaguely remember Combeferre cleaning the blood away from his face with a wet cloth, and putting something on his forehead cut that stung and sent more tears to his eyes. He hadn't spoken a word since they left the square, Combeferre with Enjolras' arm around his shoulder and hurrying so that they wouldn’t be noticed by any police forces. 

Combeferre had to leave Enjolras alone for a few minutes on an empty alley so that he could go back and take the handcuff keys from the still unconscious policeman. Enjolras took this opportunity to openly sob, movement sending stabs of pain across his head. He felt dizzy and miserable, the cut on his forehead was throbbing and his back was aching. He couldn’t concentrate on anything no matter how hard he tried, because his mind kept wandering away, deciding to use this moment of crisis to figure out his deepest feelings instead of waiting for a more opportune moment. Enjolras absolutely hated head injuries. 

Combeferre came back, hands freed, and Enjolras pretended he hadn't been sobbing like a baby. His best friend eyed him worriedly before passing Enjolras' arm once more over his shoulder and dragging him away towards Joly's place. 

"You're gonna be fine, Enjolras", Combeferre panted reassuringly. "Grantaire will be fine too". 

As the minutes passed Enjolras grew more tired, and when they finally got to Joly's Enjolras was leaning heavily on Combeferre, head lolling against the man's shoulder and shaking with each hurried step. The wound on his forehead was still oozing blood, making it hard for him to see properly with his left eye (not that he could see anything properly with his other eye anyway. His vision was blurry and unfocused). 

Combeferre did the best he could to help Enjolras. He cleaned his wound, stitched and bandaged it, then checked Enjolras' pupils and officially declared he had a nasty concussion. He made his best friend hot tea and sat on the sofa behind him to make sure he wouldn’t fall asleep. 

Combeferre knew better than to pressure Enjolras on talking about his feelings. Asking about them would make Enjolras glare and sink deeper into himself, making things even worse for everyone. And now would be the least opportune moment to enter this topic with Enjolras. He was injured, concussed and vulnerable, he was in no state of discussing whatever it was he felt for Grantaire. Combeferre pulled him closer, instead, allowing the man to lean his  head on his shoulder. He slowly caressed the blond curls hoping the gesture delivered the message Combeferre was sending – he was there for Enjolras, no matter what. He could feel the warm tears his friend was shedding wetting the fabric of his shirt, but he didn’t mind. 

In the confusion, Combeferre didn’t even remember to check his other friends and see if they were fine. Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he saw there were three missed calls from Courfeyrac, one missed call from Joly – from before the horse incident -, and a flood of texts from several Amis. One text called his attention, and he opened it first. 

 ** _From:_** ** _Grantaire_** ** _(14:32) Tell_** ** _Enjolras_** ** _to get the fuck out of this stage before someone hurts him_** ** _jfc_** ** _it looks like he has a target on his head from where_** ** _im_** ** _standing_**  

Combeferre swallowed dry. 

He closed the message and sent a text to Courfeyrac. 

 ** _To:_** ** _Courf_** ** _♥ (16:01) I'm at Joly's._** ** _Enjolras_** ** _is with me. He is concussed but he'll be fine._**  

Courfeyrac's reply came seconds later. 

 ** _From:_** ** _Courf_** ** _♥ (16:01) Ok,_** ** _im_** ** _on my way._** ** _Everyones_** ** _at mine_** ** _rn_** ** _except for u guys,_** ** _joly_** ** _,_** ** _bossuet_** ** _and r, any idea where they at??_**  

Combeferre took a deep breath before replying. 

 ** _To:_** ** _Courf_** ** _♥ (16:02)_** ** _Grantaire_** ** _is in the hospital. Joly went with him and_** ** _Lesgle_** ** _must have gone after them. He was trampled by a horse._**  

 ** _From:_** ** _Courf_** ** _♥ (16:03) wtf????????_**  

 ** _From:_** ** _Courf_** ** _♥ (16:03)_** ** _trampled by a horse????_**  

 ** _From:_** ** _Courf_** ** _♥ (16:03)_** ** _lmaoooo_** ** _he must have been so embarrassed was it in_** ** _frnot_** ** _of_** ** _enj_** ** _??_**  

 ** _To:_** ** _Courf_** ** _♥ (16:04) Don't laugh,_** ** _Courfeyrac_** ** _. He is a bad shape. I'm... not sure if he is going to make it._**  

Courfeyrac took longer to respond this time. 

 ** _From:_** ** _Courf_** ** _♥ (16:06) wait what do u mean? I thought u meant he was kicked in the ass or_** ** _smth_** ** _what do u mean he wont make it??_**  

 ** _From:_** ** _Courf_** ** _♥ (16:07)_** ** _ferre_** ** _?? What did u mean???_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o:_** ** _Courf_** ** _♥ (16:08) The horse started kicking and would have stroke_** ** _Enjolras_** ** _if R hadn't protected him. It kicked him on the chest. At least one of his lungs was severely punctured and he was choking on his own blood when the ambulance took him._** ** _Enjolras_** ** _is traumatized, so please don't mention any of this in front of him when you arrive._**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom:_** ** _Courf_** ** _♥ (16:10)_** ** _omfg_** ** _.... omg_** ** _ferre_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom:_** ** _Courf_** ** _♥ (16:11)_** ** _im_** ** _sorry_** ** _i_** **_don_** ** _t_** ** _even know what to say_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom:_** ** _Courf_** ** _♥ (16:12)_** ** _im_** ** _sorry u know_** ** _i_** ** _wouldn_** ** _t_** ** _have said that if_** ** _i_** ** _knew_**  

 ** _To:_** ** _Courf_** ** _♥ (16:13) It's ok, I know. Just get here and help me comfort_** ** _Enjolras_** ** _, he's not doing great right now._**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom:_** ** _Courf_** ** _♥ (16:14)_** ** _pls_** ** _tell me he_** ** _didn_** ** _t_** ** _declare himself to r as he was bleeding_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom:_** ** _Courf_** ** _♥ (16:14) omg....... he did_** ** _didn_** ** _t_** ** _he_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom:_** ** _Courf_** ** _♥ (16:14)_** ** _i_** ** _cant believe this shit_**  

 ** _To:_** ** _Courf_** ** _♥ (16:15) Just get your ass over here._**  

The doorknob twisted and the door opened, but it was Joly arriving. Enjolras' head shot up at the sound, blinking heavily as he tried to figure out who had just entered the room. When he finally recognized Joly, who has red rimmed, puffy eyes and blood all over his shirt, his face grew more anxious. 

"Joly", Combeferre breathed out, relieved to see his friend. Joly barely looked at him, going straight to the bathroom and locking himself. The sound of water running and Joly sniffing were cut off by the closed door. 

Combeferre told Enjolras he would be right back, leaving the confused blond on the couch alone, and went to Joly's room. He picked up a clean shirt from the meticulously organized drawer and patiently waited in front of the bathroom's door. 

When Joly finally opened the door, he looked at Combeferre, surprised. His face and hands were wet and he was shirtless – Combeferre could spot the bloodied shirt inside the trashcan. Combeferre raised a hand, offering his friend a fresh shirt, and Joly's face finally broke, the doctor façade he had been pulling so far crumbling to pieces as he started ugly sobbing. 

He put the shirt on and Combeferre pulled him to a warm embrace, a few tears escaping his eyes as well. Did that mean R...? 

"This wasn’t supposed to happen", Joly sobbed, voice muffled by Combeferre's shirt. "It was supposed to be a normal protest. This wasn’t supposed to turn out like this". 

"Joly, tell me what happened", Combeferre said. 

"R's in surgery", he sobbed, pulling Combeferre closer. "They said we should prepare for the worst. Lesgle is there waiting, but I had to come home to check on Enjolras, and on Jehan, I think he got shot..." 

"Shh, shh, calm down", Combeferre shushed, rubbing a comforting hand across Joly's back. "I already took care of Enj, he has a nasty concussion but as long as he doesn’t sleep he'll be fine. He's heavily disoriented and unbalanced, but he'll live. Courfeyrac is on his way. If you want, you can go back to the hospital, after you eat something and rest". 

"I don't want him to die", Joly sniffed. "He's my best friend, Ferre". 

"He won't die", Combeferre reassured, despite doubting his own words. "He'll be just fine". 

"There was so much blood", Joly said, voice trembling. "He'll need at months to recovery and at least an entire year of therapy". 

"We'll help him through it", Combeferre said. "He won't be alone". 

"But he hates hospitals", Joly sniffed. "He'll be so miserable, being trapped inside one". 

"I'll be with him", Enjolras slurring voice replied. Both Joly and Combeferre looked up at him, who was standing at the end of the hallway, leaning slightly on the wall. His eyes were red rimmed and puffy, just like Joly's. 

"You... what?" Joly frowned. 

"We should leave this conversation for when you're feeling better, don't you think so, Enjolras?" Combeferre asked, raising one eyebrow. Joly looked back at Combeferre, confused. 

"What do you mean?", Joly asked. 

"I won't leave Grantaire alone in a hospital, I'll make him company", Enjolras slurred. 

"Now, Enjolras, you can't live in a hospital", Joly let out a humorless chuckle. "And plus, it will do no good to Grantaire to argue with you in the state he'll be in". 

"I don’t want to argue, I want to date him", Enjolras protested. 

"Ok! Alright!", Combeferre interrupted, pretending he didn’t see the way Joly frowned at Enjolras as if he had grown a second head. "Back to the couch, Enjolras. You shouldn’t be on your feet right now. We'll talk about this when you're on your right mind". 

"But I-" Enjolras tried to protest. 

"Back to the couch!" Combeferre urged nervously. Enjolras glared at him in a childlike manner but did as he was told. 

"What the hell?" Joly frowned at Combeferre, voice barely above a whisper. "How hard did that rock hit him?" 

"Hard enough to make him see what was right in front of his eyes the whole time", Combeferre sighed, rubbing a hand across his face. 

"Wait... he- he actually wants to date R?" Joly's eyes widened. 

"He's been wanting to ask him on a date for months now, but you know Enjolras. He kept convincing himself that he didn’t like him and it took all... this", Combeferre gestured widely to the empty space around them, "to make him finally come to terms with his feelings". 

"Oh my god...", Joly said, looking both surprised and terrified. 

"He's still disoriented because of the head injury, and you know how he gets. If he talks about his feelings in this state he'll regret it when he's back to normal and it will only make things worse. The last thing R needs is Enjolras to completely isolate himself from him, specially while recovering". 

"You're right", Joly nodded. "God, they're both idiots..." 

"That they are", Combeferre agreed. 

A loud knock on the door made Enjolras whimper in pain and Combeferre to rush to open it, revealing a disheveled Courfeyrac spotting a huge black eye and holding a box of chocolates. 

"I thought this might make Enj feel better", he announced, handing the box to Combeferre absentmindedly and hurrying to pull a confused Enjolras into a hug. Together, they both looked like a mess. 

"How are you feeling, Enj?" He asked, breaking the hug but keeping both hands on Enjolras' shoulders. 

"Like crap", Enjolras said with sincerity. "My brain feels like cotton and my head hurts. My heart hurts too but I don’t remember why". 

Courfeyrac clicked his tongue, pulling Enjolras into another hug. 

"This feels nice", Enjolras said, voice muffled by Courfeyrac's shoulders. Courfeyrac always gave the best hugs. 

"You're being very vocal about your feelings today, love", Courfeyrac commented, looking up at Combeferre. 

"It's the head injury", Combeferre explained, placing the box of chocolates on the coffee table in front of the hugging pair. 

"You're warm too", Enjolras commented, leaning heavily on Courfeyrac and closing his eyes. "And you smell good..." 

"No sleeping, Enjolras, we talked about this", Combeferre said, nudging his friend. 

"Let me check him out, I forgot", Joly said, pulling out a small flashlight from his pocket. He tested Enjolras' reflexes, asked him some questions about what had happened that evening and took his temperature. "He's having a little trouble remembering everything, but it's safe for him to fall asleep", Joly finally announced. 

"Are you sure?" Combeferre asked. He didn’t have the same medical training as Joly – only a few first aid classes – but Enjolras didn’t look good at all. 

"Head injuries always look worse than they actually are. Give him some warm tea and put him to sleep, but make sure to wake him up every two hours just to see if he's responsive", Joly instructed. "How is Jehan?" He asked Courfeyrac. 

"It was just a flesh wound. Feuilly bandaged it", Courfeyrac answered. "He'll be fine". 

"Good. I'll step by and see how he's doing as soon as I have news on R", Joly said, grabbing his things. 

"Can I come?" Enjolras asked, trying to stand up from the couch. Courfeyrac subtly held his shirt, preventing a confused Enjolras to get up, no matter how hard he tried. 

"No", Joly answered shortly. "You won't appear on that hospital until you're a hundred percent better, you hear me?" 

"I'll keep an eye on him", Combeferre promised, nodding at Joly and walking him to the door. "Please call me as soon as you have any news ok?" 

"Will do. Don't let Enjolras work himself too much, he needs plenty of rest", Joly said, hugging Combeferre. 

"Don't worry, I'll take care of him", Combeferre reassured, patting Joly on the back and closing the door behind him after left. 

As Combeferre turned around, he saw Enjolras angrily pouting at him, upset. Courfeyrac was caressing his curls gently. 

"Don't give me that look", Combeferre rolled his eyes. "If you don't want to be treated like a child then don't act like one. Now take your Courf and go to bed, I'll bring you two hot tea in a few minutes". 

Courfeyrac immediately got up from the couch, but it took Enjolras a few seconds to follow. With Courfeyrac's help, they both went to Joly and Bossuet's bedroom, lying on the bed and pulling the covers over themselves. 

"I just wanted to be with R", Enjolras sighed sadly from where he was lying against Courfeyrac's chest. 

"I know, Enj", Courfeyrac replied. "But don't worry. You guys will have a lot of opportunities to make up for the lost time". 

"I don't want him to suffer", Enjolras whined. "I want him to be happy". 

"You'll make him happy". 

"He was hurt because of me", Enjolras sniffed. "He was trying to protect me and got kicked. I remember that". 

"Just go to sleep, ok? You need to recover if you want to go to the hospital and smooch R". 

"I want to smooch him", Enjolras sighed, sounding sleepy. 

When Combeferre finally arrived with the tea, both his friends were sound asleep, Enjolras cuddled with Courfeyrac and clinging to him as if his life depended on it. 

- 

When Enjolras woke up, his head felt heavy and his body felt like he had been run over by a truck. 

The first thing he noticed was a familiar scent filling his nostrils and a warm presence beside him, and upon opening his eyes he spotted a sleeping Courfeyrac lying in someone's bed with him. 

What... the... hell? 

Enjolras frowned, leaning on both elbows and trying to get up. Where was he? He looked at the digital clock on the nightstand and saw it was 9 a.m. His frown deepened. What about the protest? Had he lost it...? 

The rush of memories came back to him and he let out a whimper in shock. He remembered the rock, the horse, Grantaire covered in blood and drowning on it, the ambulance... Grantaire! Was he ok? Was he alive? 

Enjolras got up from the bed, but he did so too quickly for someone who had just slept for over 12 hours with a concussion. As soon as he stood on both feet he lost balance of his body and fell to the floor with a loud thud. This must have woken Courfeyrac, because looking up at the bed, Enjolras saw a mop of brown curls rising from the covers and moving confusedly. 

"Enjolras!" Courfeyrac called when he saw his friend trying to get up from the floor. He immediately got up from the bed and walked to Enjolras, helping him up and sitting him on the edge of the bed. "What happened, did you fall? Are you ok?" 

"I'm fine", Enjolras groaned, trying to itch his wound without removing the bandages. "Where's Grantaire? Is he ok?" 

Courfeyrac bit his lower lip, not looking at Enjolras. 

"Courf...?" Enjolras called, heart rate increasing. Was Grantaire...? 

"He's alive", Courfeyrac said. "Combeferre is on the hospital with Joly and Bossuet is napping on the couch – we kind of stole his bed by the way. Grantaire had to go through a surgery to... you know. Repair his lungs". 

"And? How did it go?" Enjolras urged. 

"The ribs will take around six weeks to fully recover", Courfeyrac sighed. "If that was the only problem he would be able to leave the hospital even today. But... he sustained severe damage to one of his lungs. Thank god it was only one of them, but still... He'll have to stay at the hospital for a few months". 

" _Months?_ " Enjolras asked, horrified. "But... R hates hospitals! He can't be in one for months!" 

Courfeyrac gave him a heart warming look. 

"You offered yourself to stay with him at the hospital during these months, yesterday", he commented. Enjolras immediately blushed, covering his face with both hands. 

"What else did I say?" Enjolras asked, voice muffled. 

"Don't worry, Enj. We're your friends, we'd never tease you about something as serious as this. And you didn’t say anything too compromising, I promise". 

Enjolras didn’t look at Courfeyrac, instead getting up from the bed and straightening his clothes. 

"I want to go to the hospital", Enjolras announced. "I need to see Grantaire". 

"Whoa, easy there", Courfeyrac said, getting up too and raising both hands at Enjolras as if to calm him. "Grantaire's still unconscious. Only one of his lungs is working properly right now, so the doctors put him under and tubed him. He'll be like that for some time". 

Enjolras tried to control his face not to look too horrified at the thought of Grantaire lying tubed on a hospital because of him. 

"Still", Enjolras said, swallowing dry. "I want to go see him". 

"I don’t think that's a good idea", Courfeyrac protested, shrugging at Enjolras with an apollogetic face. "Let's wait for Ferre or Joly to come back before-" 

"I'm going", Enjolras announced, turning on his heels and leaving the bedroom. 

"Hey, wait!" Courfeyrac called, but Enjolras didn’t stop. He passed a snoring Bossuet lying on the couch and headed straight for the front door, opening it and going through it without a second thought. 

Grantaire would be stuck in a hospital bed for months. Because of Enjolras. 

A million thoughts crossed Enjolras head as he went down the stairs of the building. If he had told Grantaire about his feelings before the protest ever happened, could that have prevented Grantaire from getting hurt? Maybe Enjolras could convinced him to stay home... 

Or maybe if Enjolras had argued with him before the protest. That would surely have gotten him to leave, right? Sure, it would have hurt the cynic's feelings (and he would look at Enjolras with that pained expression he always wore whenever Enjolras was too harsh or cold to him), but at least he would be alive and healthy. He wouldn’t be in a hospital, tubed, dying... 

Footsteps echoed behind him and he didn’t have to turn around to know it was Courfeyrac. 

"Combeferre is going to kill me", he panted, following Enjolras out of the building. "He specifically said: 'do not let Enjolras leave the apartment in any circumstances', and here you are, dragging yourself to the hospital". 

"I need to see R", Enjolras said, not stopping. 

"He's unconscious, E, it won't make a difference whether you're there or not!" 

"I need to see he is alive, Courfeyrac!" Enjolras yelled, coming to a stop and turning to stare at his friend in the eyes. The words left his mouth before the realization hit him. So that was why he was so anxious to get to the hospital. Enjolras stopped talking for a few seconds, surprised at his body for realizing his necessities before his brain could compute them. He noticed Courfeyrac was staring at him with a mix of shock and pity, and swallowed dry before continuing. "The last I saw of Grantaire was him lying on a pool of his own blood, _drowning on it, choking to death_ because he took a blow that was meant for me", Enjolras explained. "I need to see he's still alive. I need to see, for myself, the rise and fall of his chest, the steady beat of his heart. I need to see him. I need to be there for him when he wakes up disoriented at one of the places he hates most at the world, and I need to be there to comfort and reassure him through his recovery. I need to be there to thank him for saving my life, and I need to be there to tell him I love him every single day, because I do ok? I know we fought and argued and screamed at each other every other day, and I know that I never let anybody know how I felt, but that was because I was afraid, but I'm not afraid anymore. Not after what I saw. I saw him bleeding to death in front of my very eyes because he put his life on the line to save mine, Courf. I heard him whimper in pain and gurgle on his own blood because he put my safety in front of his own. I used to be terrified of telling him that I love him, because I thought he could mock me for it just like he always mocks me for every single thing I say. But I don't care anymore. He can mock me for whatever he wants, as long as he is alive and well. And even if he doesn’t love me back, just to see him breathing right in front of me once a week during meetings is enough to make me the happiest man in the world. I used to be afraid of letting anyone see how I feel about him, but the only thing that makes me afraid anymore is the prospect of losing him forever". 

Courfeyrac stared at him for several seconds that felt like an eternity before pulling Enjolras into a hug in the middle of the street. Enjolras hadn't even realized how much he needed that hug and gladly hugged his friend back. 

"He's going to be ok, Enj", Courfeyrac whispered in his ear reassuringly. "You won't lose him, ok? You guys will be the happiest, most sickening couple in the world". 

"Stop", Enjolras scoffed, despite smiling. "I don't even know if he likes me back. All I can do is hope he does, and wait for the right moment to tell him". 

Courfeyrac stared at him as if he had grown an alien-like head. 

"What...?" Enjolras frowned. 

"You can't be serious", Courfeyrac said, gaping. 

"What?!" Enjolras urged. 

"You 'don't know if he likes you back'?" 

"No, I never told him how I felt... I mean, I don't think he hates me anymore, but he certainly doesn’t look like he likes me a lot-" 

"I would fucking smack you right now if you weren't concussed", Courfeyrac interrupted with an eye roll. "You and R are the most oblivious people in this planet, I swear to god". 

"What do you mean?" Enjolras frowned, following Courfeyrac as he beckoned a cab. The car stopped and they both entered it, giving instructions as to how to reach the hospital. 

"I mean, Enjolras, that your feelings are not unrequited, you dumbass", Courfeyrac finally responded. 

"R likes me back??" Enjolras asked, hope blossoming inside his chest. 

"He literally painted a portrait of you and hung it on the wall in front of his bed, Enjolras, I don't know how much clearer he could get". 

"He did **_what_**?" Enjolras asked, eyes wide. Courfeyrac froze in place, eyes widening too. 

"Forget I told you that", he said, looking terrified. "You wasn’t supposed to know, I wasn't supposed to tell, I, ah... Oh, good, thank god, look, Combeferre is calling me!" Courfeyrac said, sighing in relief and answering the call. "Hi, Ferre, how is it going my man?" 

Combeferre said something on the line and Courfeyrac looked even more uncomfortable. 

"There's nothing wrong. I'm not being weird, you're weird. Haha. Anyway. So, me and Enjolras are heading to the hospital right now- yes, I know you said- _yes, I know_ , but you know how Enjolras is... He made a super beautiful heart warming speech about his love for R and I just had to take him- fine, _I know_ , but- ok, I'll... Fine". He pulled the phone away from his ear as the call ended, leaning his head back on the rest and sighing. 

"What did he say?" Enjolras asked. 

"He's going to kick your ass for leaving the apartment but recognized that I alone was too weak to prevent you from coming. He says next time he'll put someone stronger on my place", Courfeyrac said, sounding fake-upset. 

"But does R really have a portrait of me on his bedroom?" Enjolras asked. 

"Just let it go", Courfeyrac whined, closing his eyes. "It's not my place to discuss someone else's feelings with you. Just ask him when he's better, ok?" 

"But does he have feelings for me?" Enjolras urged, feeling anxiety grow at the bottom of his stomach. 

"Yes", Courfeyrac gave in, rolling his eyes. "But don’t tell him I was the one to tell you, ok?" 

"I won't", Enjolras said, barely containing a smile. If Grantaire liked him back, that would change everything. 

For the best. 

- 

As expected, Combeferre looked furious when they arrived at the hospital. He cornered Enjolras as scolded him, telling how reckless and dangerous it had been to leave home without a doctor's supervision, that he could still be unwell, that he should have waited. Enjolras would have told him the same things he told Courfeyrac, but he didn’t have the time to do so. He wanted to see Grantaire. 

"I'm sorry, Ferre, I promise I won't do it again",  he said instead. "I just needed to see him. I... I need to see he's still alive". 

Combeferre sighed in resignation, taking his glasses off – when had he gotten new ones? - and pinching the bridge of his nose. 

"Fine. But you'll have to wait a bit before you can see him, Joly is in the room right now". 

"When will he wake up?" 

"We don't know for sure yet", Combeferre said, putting his glasses back on. "The doctors put him on induced coma but according to them, it won't be needed for too long. But even after waking up, he'll have to stick here for a month, at least, and three months tops. Who knows, maybe he won't have to stay for this long". 

"He'll hate it", Enjolras sighed. "He hates hospitals". 

"It's necessary", Combeferre said. "Just until he gets better". 

"I know", Enjolras bit his lip. 

"Enjolras", Combeferre placed a hand on Enjolras shoulder. "I'm going to tell you something very important, and you can do what you want with this information. Grantaire cares a lot about you, and he has for a long time. He doesn’t like hospitals, as you've said yourself, and he's injured and will take a long time to recover. I know you have feelings for him and you want to let him know about them as soon as you can, because you nearly lost him. But I think right here, at this hospital, at his most vulnerable moment, is not the right time. I'm telling you, as a friend, that it would be of your best interests to wait until he's better to discuss such a emotional, possibly stressful subject with him". 

Enjolras took a few seconds to digest what his best friend told him, until he finally nodded in understanding. 

"You're right", he said. "I'll wait". 

As if summoned, Joly appeared on the hallway, looking weary and emotionally devastated. A surprise look appeared on his face when he saw Enjolras standing in front of Combeferre. 

"What are you doing here?" Joly frowned. 

"He wants to see Grantaire", Combeferre explained, and Joly went back to looking tired. 

"Are you ok, Enjolras?" Joly asked. "Any headaches, tiredness, any weird symptoms?" 

"I'm ok, Joly", Enjolras gave him a sympathetic smile. "Don't worry about me". 

"Fine, then", Joly sighed, dropping heavily on the hospital's plastic chair. "Go down this hall and enter the third room to your left. Visiting hours end at 11 and start again at 1 p.m." 

"Alright" Enjolras nodded, sparing a last look at Combeferre. "Thanks, Joly". 

Enjolras walked down the hall as fast as he could, looking for Grantaire's room. When he finally reached the third to his left, he took a deep breath before entering. 

Enjolras had tried to prepare himself for the state Grantaire could be in, but there was nothing he could have done to prepare himself for the sight he was met with. 

Grantaire was lying on the bed, completely still - which was so terribly uncommon -, a lot of needles and tubes sticking to him and a tube protruded from his mouth. His eyes were closed, a dark purple covering the lids and the circles beneath them. He looked pale, and there was sweat covering his forehead – upon touching it, Enjolras had to draw his hand away quickly: Grantaire was burning up. The leader brushed away a few curls that had fallen above Grantaire's eyes, affectionately. 

Enjolras pulled up a plastic chair towards the bed, sitting beside it and taking Grantaire's fingers on his hand, brushing a soothing pattern on them. 

"You're going to be ok", Enjolras whispered, using his other hand to caress Grantaire's curls. "I'll be here for you. We're going to go through this". 

A few seconds of silence passed before Enjolras felt the need to speak again. 

"I'm so sorry about all this. I'm sorry that this – you, being here, unconscious on this bed – is what took for me to realize how much I truly love you. I'll make it up for you, I promise". 

"I need you. I used to think I hated you, because you always made me so mad, but now I realize that you've always fascinated me, even when you were being annoying. And I'm sorry that it took me so long". 

"I want you to come back. I need you to come back to me. So I can properly apologize for making this happen to you. I'll take you to a nice restaurant, if you want. I'll give you roses, I can ask Jehan to help me choose them. I'll give you the prettiest roses. You deserve them". 

"Just come back to me, ok?" 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder that I have no medical training or specific understanding, therefore there may be mistakes regarding this matter and I apologize in advance for that.

Despite everything, Enjolras continued living. 

He went to his remaining classes in college, he went to work with Lamarque, he went to meetings at the Musain, he ate, he showered, he slept, he wrote. He did all these things half-heartedly, but he still did them. 

Combeferre watched him up close – they lived together, after all – and made sure he was taking care of his health. Before that all happened, it wasn’t uncommon for the guide to find Enjolras passed out from exhaustion on the couch, or dizzy with dehydration because he spent too much time working instead of properly looking after himself. Now, ever since Grantaire was taken in the hospital, Combeferre had to practically drag Enjolras to bed, and periodically bring food and shove it on his face for the man to eat. 

Combeferre knew this was Enjolras' dumb way to cope – pushing himself to his limits to distract his brain from the pain it would have to deal with otherwise. This wasn’t the first time this happened, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. 

But a man could hope. 

Joly had called Combeferre on the previous night to let him know that they would remove the intubation from Grantaire in two days. They would also awaken him from the induced coma, which meant Enjolras would probably freak out if he knew – which was why Combeferre hadn't told him yet. 

Enjolras had been working harder than ever that week – even Lamarque had to send him home one day, after he spent the entire day on the office and didn’t leave even to grab lunch. Combeferre knew his best friend had to find a better way to deal with his emotions – he always tended to the self destruction path whenever conflicted with a difficult situation -, but he also knew that if he tried to approach Enjolras on the subject, he would only turn him down and isolate himself further as he always did. 

"You need to take a break", Combeferre told him, at 3 a.m., when he went to grab a cup of water and found Enjolras still sitting on the couch, typing furiously on the notebook. "You can't go on like this". 

"I'm fine", Enjolras responded, not even looking away from the bright screen as he kept typing mechanically. 

"The hell you are, Enjolras!" Combeferre finally broke, unable to watch his friend ruin his health anymore. "You haven't slept in nearly a day, even Lamarque noticed there's something wrong. Please, stop doing this to yourself and look after your health!" 

"I'm doing the exact amount of work I always do, I don’t see what the big deal is", Enjolras protested, frowning, but still not looking at Combeferre. His eyes were bloodshot from exhaustion and his hair was a mess. 

"I'm just telling you this because I care", Combeferre sighed. "Please, go to bed?" 

"I'll go when I finish here", Enjolras said absentmindedly. When he realized Combeferre was still standing in front of him, arms crossed in front of his chest, he looked up, finally stopping to type. "I promise. I'm almost done". 

"Do you plan on dating Grantaire?" Combeferre asked. He immediately regretted doing so – it was the middle of the night, Enjolras was sleep deprived and they were both stressed. This was the worst possible situation to have this conversation, but Combeferre needed to know. They would have to talk about this eventually anyway. 

Enjolras stared at him in confusion, taken aback by the sudden change of topic. 

"If he wants to", Enjolras finally answered. "Yes. I would like that". 

"And do you plan on having a relationship with him?" 

"If he wants to", Enjolras repeated. 

"Even with all your differences?" Combeferre raised an eyebrow. 

"Where are you going with this?" Enjolras frowned. He knew Combeferre best than he knew himself, therefore he was aware there was some point Combeferre was trying to hit – he just didn’t know which. 

"Enjolras, you two never stop fighting", Combeferre sighed, sitting on the couch behind his friend. "I know you love him, and I know he has feelings for you too, but you argue more than anything. He won't change his opinions just because his feelings are requited, and I know for sure you won't change yours. I'm just afraid you might end up stuck in an unhealthy relationship". 

"We might not agree on everything, but he has the right to have his own ideals. I wouldn’t want him to change them just because we're dating", Enjolras explained. "Sure, it would be great if he could just agree with me for once, but even if he doesn't, that's ok. This didn’t keep me from loving him". 

"Yes, but you two are stupid idiots with self destructive tendencies who always scream hurtful words at each other when angry", Combeferre retorted. "I just don’t want you to get hurt, ok? I know Grantaire has the power to hurt you just as much as you have the power to hurt him". 

"I don’t intend to hurt him", Enjolras said. "And if he wanted me to get hurt he... he wouldn’t have... done what he did". 

"All I want to say is that maybe you should think things through before taking any major decisions", Combeferre sighed. "Don't do anything you might regret. You're my best friend, Enjolras, and I love you. I just don’t want you to get hurt ok?" 

"I love you too, Ferre", Enjolras said, lowering his eyes. He wasn’t used to vocally expressing his feelings; he wasn’t comfortable with it yet. Combeferre knew it, and squeezed Enjolras' shoulder comfortingly. 

"Grantaire is going to be taken out of the coma in two days", Combeferre announced. Enjolras' eyes immediately shot up, staring at his friend. "He'll be taken out of the intubation too". 

"Oh my god", Enjolras said, smiling happily. He closed his notebook and set it aside, jumping at Combeferre for a hug. "Oh my god, that's great!" 

Combeferre hugged him back, smiling as well.  

"Yes, it is", he said, rubbing Enjolras' back. "But I swear to god, Enjolras, if you keep doing this to yourself and pushing yourself to the edge I'm going to call that hospital and tell them to throw you out of Grantaire's room permanently". 

Enjolras chuckled, genuinely chuckled at that. He trusted Combeferre, he was his best friend. He knew he could be himself with Combeferre, with no judgements, no mockery. 

"I'll take better care", Enjolras promised, breaking the hug. "I promise". 

"Pinky promise?" Combeferre asked, raising an eyebrow with humor. He and Enjolras had a tradition of making pinky promises ever since they were kids, but they only did so when the subject was serious. You can't break a promise like that. 

"Yeah, pinky promise", Enjolras said, offering his little finger and crossing it with Combeferre's. 

- 

Enjolras woke up on the following morning feeling better than he had for the entirety of the week. He slept deeply with the knowledge that Grantaire would wake up, feeling content and at ease. Just one more day, and he would be able to look his cynic in the eye, hear his voice again, talk to him. He told this to Combeferre, who gave him a wary look that made Enjolras frown. 

"What's wrong?" Enjolras asked. 

"I'm not sure if he'll be able to speak yet, Enj", Combeferre explained. "Maybe he shouldn’t push it, after sustaining such injury. He'll probably still be on oxygen therapy, and very tired. Take it easy at first ok? I know you're exited to see him, but don't push it". 

"Ok", Enjolras nodded, understanding Combeferre's point, but still frowning. 

Combeferre, meaning to ease Enjolras' anxious state, called in for a movie night at their place on the eve of Grantaire's awakening. He didn’t tell Enjolras about it, which resulted on a napping Enjolras (he finally listened to Combeferre and decided to make up for his lost nights of sleep) being harshly woken up by a warm Courfeyrac snuggling him and Jehan's soft hands braiding his curls. Looking up, confused by sleep, Enjolras saw all the Amis (except, of course, for Grantaire), smiling at him and ready to drown him in hugs. 

"What's going on?" Enjolras asked, smiling despite being confused. 

"Movie night!" Courfeyrac chanted, Jehan following. 

"What will we watch, though?" Bahorel asked. "I'm not watching any of those shitty thriller movies you guys love. I refuse. I'll leave if you make me watch that". 

"Let's watch Law and Order, then", Feuilly teased, smirking. 

"Don't you _fucking dare_ -" Bahorel rose from his sit. 

"We're not watching any of that, calm down", Jehan interrupted, quickly finishing Enjolras' braid and standing from the couch. He grabbed his worn backpack from the floor and grabbed a few DVD cases, placing them on the coffee table. "Let's vote which of these movies we prefer". 

Enjolras leaned forward to see what movies Jehan had brought. The options were: Just Like Heaven, 13 going on 30, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Zodiac. 

"Why do all these movies have Mark Ruffalo on them?" Courfeyrac frowned. 

"I'm having a Mark Ruffalo moment", Jehan smiled, closing his eyes. 

Combeferre eyed Enjolras carefully. 

"Uh... Maybe we should pick a less romantic movie?" He suggested. He didn’t know what effect those fluffy romantic movies would have on Enjolras on that moment, and the last thing any of them needed was for Enjolras to get even more emotionally constipated. 

"Aw, I wanted to watch 13 going on 30" Jehan pouted.  

"Remind me on never allowing Jehan to pick the movies again", Courfeyrac rolled his eyes. 

"That sounds like a cool movie, though", Bahorel protested. "What is it about?" 

"Mark Ruffalo starts a gang that has thirteen followers and they enter a war with a gang that has 30 members but then he slowly falls in love with the leader of the other gang. That doesn’t stop his gang from fighting the other, though, that's why it's called 13 going on 30", Feuilly explained with a straight face. 

"Nice!" Bahorel smiled. "I want to watch this one!" 

"It's ok, Ferre", Enjolras reassured. "I can handle it". 

Combeferre eyed Enjolras for a couple seconds before nodding and allowing Jehan to insert the disc on the DVD player. 

All the Amis snuggled together against each other. Enjolras moved to the ground at Jehan's feet so that the poet could continue braiding his hair. Jehan, Feuilly, Bahorel and Combeferre sat at the couch, Courfeyrac was beside Enjolras on the floor as he sat on Combeferre's feet. Joly and Bossuet were snuggled on the love seat, cuddling. The movie came to a start and Enjolras felt himself frowning; it always dazed him how badly systematic sexism and outdated social rules affected people, teenagers in special. 

As the plot developed Enjolras found himself not paying attention to it, thoughts diverging to Grantaire. Every once in a while his attention went back to the movie, but it only lasted a few seconds. He found himself dozing off, head leaning on Jehan's knees as the poet caressed his curls in a way only him could. He woke up again in the middle of the movie, plot finally catching his attention for the rest of it. 

"I can't believe you fucking lied about the plot again", Bahorel told Feuilly, angry, but there were tears on his eyes. 

"You liked it better than the gang plot, admit it", Feuilly teased, laughing. 

Courfeyrac looked at Enjolras, who was wearing a distant expression. 

"Hey, Enj", he called, having an idea. "Have you ever watched Anastasia?" 

"No, why?" Enjolras frowned. 

Courfeyrac gave him a devious smirk. 

- 

"I can't fucking believe this shit!!!" Enjolras was yelling. 

"Enjolras please calm down, you'll break another glass", Combeferre asked, trying to get Enjolras to sit back down. 

"How can I calm down when this movie exists, Combeferre?" Enjolras yelled. 

"I knew he would like it", Courfeyrac laughed. 

"This is all your fault", Jehan mourned. "You brought this upon us". 

"At least he's not sulking anymore", Bossuet said. 

"Just take a glass of water and breathe", Combeferre asked, trying to urge Enjolras to drink. 

"I won't breathe! I refuse to!" Enjolras protested, pacing. "This is the most historically inaccurate, _offending_ movie I have ever seen!" 

"It's just a cartoon, chill", Bahorel said, arm thrown above Feuilly's shoulder. 

"Chill?!" Enjolras shouted, arms raised in disbelief. "How can I chill when...??" He cut himself midfrase, rubbing his face with both hands, so annoyed he could barely speak. 

"Thanks a lot, Courfeyrac", Combeferre rolled his eyes in fake annoyance. 

"Always count on me for cheering Enjy up", Courfeyrac shrugged. "Look at him. He looks more like himself right now than he has looked the whole week". 

Enjolras was too busy muttering arguments to himself to hear what Courfeyrac had said. 

"I think we should call it a night", Joly announced. "We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow". 

"And how are you holding up, Jolllly?" Jehan asked, giving the man a sympathetic smile. 

"I'm going to be ok", Joly answered, Bossuet rubbing a soothing hand on his back. "I'm optimist that Grantaire will recover well. He'll need all the help he can get", he lowered his tone at the mention of Grantaire's name, not wanting to disrupt Enjolras' argument with himself. 

"He will get", Feuilly announced. "We'll be there for him for whatever he needs". 

"Don't worry, Joly", Jehan smiled. "I'm sure he'll be just fine. We'll help him through it". 

The conversation died at this, the Amis slowly excusing themselves with hugs and kisses until only the triumvirate remained.  

"It's getting late", Combeferre said. "We should get him to bed". 

"Oh, so you're finally trusting my word and actually joining us?" Courfeyrac teased. 

"Shut up", Combeferre rolled his eyes, smiling. "I just want to make sure you won't cuddle Enjolras to death while he sleeps". 

"I think it's more probable that he cuddles me to death, really", Courfeyrac laughed, taking Enjolras by the shoulders and leaning him to the bedroom. "He's really clingy". 

"Well, I guess I'll see it for myself tonight", Combeferre shrugged, lying on the bed and spooning Enjolras, who spooned Courfeyrac and immediately clung to him. They practically made an Enjolras sandwich. 

"Goodnight, Courf", Combeferre said. "Goodnight, Enj". 

"Do the writers even know who Rasputin was?" Enjolras asked, indignant. 

"Goodnight, Ferre", Courfeyrac chuckled. 

- 

When Enjolras woke up on the following morning, Courfeyrac was snoring soundly beside him and Combeferre was gone. 

The leader stumbled his way to the kitchen, still half-asleep but drawn by the smell of fresh coffee. He found Combeferre already dressed and with a mug in hands; there was another one on the table for Enjolras. 

He sipped the hot coffee after nodding good morning to Combeferre, and it was only after he finished his first mug that his eyes widened at remembrance. 

"Oh my god!" Enjolras exclaimed, startling Combeferre. 

"What?" Combeferre frowned. 

"Grantaire!" Enjolras responded simply, placing his mug back on the table and running back to his bedroom. He reemerged from it a few minutes later, fully dressed. He was wearing a social shirt under a sweater, black tight jeans and boots that matched the sweater. He looked more like a nerd than ever. 

"Wow. You're ready to go?" Combeferre raised an eyebrow. 

"Yes", Enjolras said, sounding too eager. 

"With your hair like that?" Combeferre smiled. 

Enjolras frowned, before turning on his heels and rushing to the bathroom. He reappeared with his curls tied into a messy bun on the top of his head, which suited his clothes so nicely it looked like it was intentional. 

"Do you have any news on him yet?" Enjolras asked, getting himself another mug of coffee. 

"Joly texted saying that they already removed the tubes. He should only be awake in a few hours, though", Combeferre explained. 

"I see", Enjolras said, trying not to let Combeferre see his disappointment. "I want to go to the hospital anyway". 

"Right now?" Combeferre asked. 

"As soon as possible", Enjolras bit his lower lip. "I want to see him. I didn’t go yesterday, and... well. I just can't wait to see him awake". 

"Remember the talk about boundaries?" Combeferre asked in a parental tone, grabbing his coat from the couch and looking for the apartment keys. 

"Yes", Enjolras said. "I understand he's recovering and won't push him off his limits. And I won't talk about my feelings until he's well again". 

"That's good", Combeferre gave him a reassuring smile. "Let's go, then?" 

"What about Courf?" Enjolras frowned, following Combeferre out of the door. 

"I knew you would want to go to the hospital right away, so I already left him a note on the nightstand because he's a heavy sleeper", Combeferre told Enjolras as they went down the building's stairs. "He'll meet us there when he wakes up". 

Upon arriving at the hospital, Enjolras and Combeferre saw Joly and Bossuet already at the waiting room. 

"Has he woken up yet?" Enjolras greeted, anxious for news. 

"Not yet", Joly answered, sounding tired but less sad than he had been for the entirety of the week. "They've already removed the intubation and put him on the oxygen mask. It wouldn’t be ideal for him to speak for at least a couple days, but he should be fine to do so after that. As soon as he wakes I'm going in to check on him and tell him to respect his limits for once", he announced, then gave Enjolras an apologetic shrug. "I trust you'll understand". 

"Sure", Enjolras nodded, swallowing dry. "You're his best friend, after all". 

"Oh, one more thing, Enjolras", Joly said. "I know you're eager to see him, but just remember that he'll be on pain meds when you go in. He may not be too responsive or sober because of the week of induced coma, and he won't be able to speak, so try not to speak too much ok? Save that for later". 

"Don’t worry", Enjolras frowned. "I just want to see him". 

"We've already talked about this", Combeferre told Joly. "Enjolras knows what he must and mustn't do". 

It took two hours of idleness and boredom until a doctor finally appeared and announced that Grantaire was waking up. Joly and Bossuet immediately got to their feet, following the doctor to Grantaire's room and disappearing as they doubled the hallway. Enjolras nervously bit his lower lip, simultaneously longing for and dreading the couple's return. 

Half an hour later Joly and Bossuet reappeared, both looking tired and Joly bearing fresh tears on his eyes. Enjolras felt his heart skip a beat at this, not sure of what was wrong. 

"Come with me, Enjolras", Bossuet offered. "I'll take you to his room". 

Enjolras followed Bossuet across the hall, sparing a last worried look at Joly before doubling the corner. 

"Don't worry about Joly", Bossuet explained, though his voice sounded shaky. "He's crying of relief, that's all". 

"Oh", was all Enjolras managed to say. It was as if his stomach had turned into a washing machine, from the way it kept twisting and churning. 

As they got to the door, Bossuet put a hand on Enjolras' shoulder. 

"I know everyone has already told you this and that you already know", he said, looking Enjolras in the eye. "But I'll reinforce it just in case. R cares a lot about you, and specially about your opinion of him. Knowing him, he must be feeling vulnerable and confused, so don’t do anything that could make him feel even more vulnerable ok?" 

"I won't", Enjolras assured. 

"He's still pretty high and sort of out of it, so don’t push it", Bossuet instructed. Enjolras nodded, and Bossuet pushed the door open for him. "Oh, and Enjolras?" 

"Yes?" 

"I'm glad you like him back", Bossuet said. "That's all he's ever wanted". 

Enjolras stared at the man with confusion, but he let go of the door and it closed behind the leader. 

The steady beep of a heart monitor echoed in the room as Enjolras walked further into it, eyeing Grantaire warily. The cynic's eyes were closed, but sluggishly blinked open as soon as Enjolras touched his curls to caress them - as he had grown used to. 

Grantaire's eyes took some time to focus on Enjolras' face, but as soon as they did, they widened. His nose and mouth were covered by the oxygen mask, and Enjolras could see that he was about to try and speak. 

"Shh", Enjolras shushed gently before Grantaire could attempt to talk. "No speaking, alright, R? You need to recover first, then you can speak all you want". 

Grantaire frowned at him, glassy eyes getting unfocused again. 

"I'm here for you", Enjolras said. "You're going to be ok, but for now I just need you to rest ok?" 

Grantaire's big grey eyes were looking at Enjolras, as if searching for something. His eyelids started to drop from exhaustion, and he looked so terribly small like that, lying helplessly on a hospital bed, needing aid to breathe, depending completely on other people. Enjolras wasn’t the friend closest to Grantaire, but he knew how upset he would be when he regained enough of his sobriety to become self aware. He would be miserable. 

"I don't think any less of you for needing help", Enjolras said, hoping it would reassure the man. "Everyone does. You're a brave man. You wouldn’t be here if you weren't". 

Grantaire's lids opened again, slower this time. Enjolras gave him a patient, affectionate smile. 

"You're tired", Enjolras said. "Go to sleep. We can talk when you are better ok?" 

Grantaire tried to speak again, this time managing a whimper. He flinched in pain, closing his eyes shut with force as the sound sent a burning sensation through his throat.  

"Don't speak, you stubborn man", Enjolras instructed nervously, running his fingers through Grantaire's hair in a faster pace and pretending the tiny sound the man had made didn’t send a stab through his heart. "You're still recovering. Just go to sleep, ok? I'll be here when you wake up". 

Grantaire stared at him for a few more seconds before allowing his eyes to drift close once more. Enjolras waited for minutes that felt like an eternity until he was sure that Grantaire was asleep. 

"I love you", Enjolras whispered, bending over and placing a delicate kiss on Grantaire's forehead. 

Grantaire stirred faintly at the touch, but other than that, gave no more signals of his awareness of Enjolras' presence. 


	4. Chapter 4

On the following day, Enjolras went visiting Grantaire again, a small bouquet of roses in his hand, but the cynic was asleep. He put the roses on the support next to the bed and sat on the plastic chair beside it, taking R's hand into his.  

It broke Enjolras' heart to see him like that, unable to breathe on his own, unable to speak or to focus. Now he understood exactly what Bossuet meant when he said Grantaire was vulnerable, and the thought made him drop a kiss on the man's knuckles. 

"I will take care of you", Enjolras promised. 

On the day after that, Enjolras stopped by the hospital again, but was told he would have to wait before he could go into the room because there were already three people in there. 

Enjolras tapped his feet nervously and without rhythm on the floor as he sat on the waiting room, waiting. Soon, the first visiting hours would be over, and even if he planned on going back there at the second visiting hours, he still wanted to see Grantaire soon. 

His phone buzzed with a new text, and he saw it was from Combeferre. 

 ** _From:_** ** _Combeferre_** ** _(10:12) Hey,_** ** _Enjolras_** ** _. Did you go to class today?_**  

 ** _To:_** ** _Combeferre_** ** _(10:12) I didn’t have classes today. I took breakfast and now I'm at the hospital waiting to see R._**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom:_** ** _Combeferre_** ** _(10:13) Oh, I see. See you later, then. Send R my best_**  

Enjolras put the phone away at the same time Joly, Bossuet and Jehan appeared on the end of the hall.  

"Enjolras!", Jehan greeted, smiling widely at the leader and pulling him into a tight hug. "How nice it is to see you here!" 

"Hey, Jehan", Enjolras smiled back, returning the hug. "Hey, guys", he waved at Joly and Bossuet. 

"Wonderful news, Enjolras!" Joly said, mimicking Jehan's smile as he took both of Enjolras' hands. "Grantaire is already speaking!" 

"Really? That's great!" Enjolras' smile grew wider.  

"I mean, you shouldn’t push it because he's still having shortness of breath and can't spend more than a few minutes off the oxygen mask", Joly shrugged. "But you can talk to him!" 

"And he's more sober than yesterday", Bossuet added. "We already explained what happened to him and why he's here". 

"Can... Can I go see him? Now? Is he still awake?" Enjolras asked, hands fidgeting nervously. 

"Yes, you can", Joly said. "I'm trusting you with him, Enjolras", he added in a more serious tone. He was still smiling at Enjolras, but somehow it looked sad. "Don't screw it up, ok?" 

"I won't", Enjolras promised. He hugged his friends goodbye and made his way to Grantaire's room. 

Before entering it, he nervously rubbed his face and took deep, slow breaths to calm himself down. It was amazing the effect Grantaire could have on him. Since they rarely saw each other out of meetings – only on rare occasions like parties or movie nights -, Enjolras could control himself better before interacting with Grantaire. He loved him from afar, pined from a safe distance, and never felt the need to discuss his feelings with anyone. He was convinced they would go away when given enough time, but after what happened to Grantaire on that protest... that had opened his eyes for the reality. 

He didn’t want his feelings for Grantaire to go away. He knew it made him cheesy and nervous; ever since he admitted his feelings to himself he was always on the verge of tears at the mere remembrance of Grantaire bleeding. He wanted to take care of him, to protect him from anything bad that could happen ever again. 

Everyone kept telling Enjolras that Grantaire reciprocated his feelings for him, but he wasn’t a hundred percent sure that that was true. Sure, Grantaire stood in front of a kicking horse to protect him, but he would have done the same for any of his friends – he was reckless like that. Plus, he always made fun of Enjolras for anything: his looks, his hair, his eyes, his beliefs, his ideals, his speeches. It always sounded like Enjolras was the worst person in the world in Grantaire's eyes, and that was one of the reasons Enjolras rejected his feelings for the man. How could he possibly be in love with a man that hated him so much? 

When Enjolras told his thoughts to Combeferre a few nights before, his best friend chuckled. Enjolras merely stared in confusion and annoyance, but Combeferre quickly explained why he had laughed. 

"That is just Grantaire's dumb way of showing he likes you", he said. "I don’t agree with it, it makes him look like an infatuated child, but that's the way he does things. And plus, when he 'mocks' your looks, it isn't actually mockery, Enj". 

"But he says my hair looks like 'a golden noodle from the greek gods', and that I look like a marble statue", Enjolras protested. "That sounds like mockery to me". 

"He was drunk when he said that noodle hair thing", Combeferre shook his head, smiling. 

"When isn't he drunk?" Enjolras sighed sadly. 

"See, that's why he calls you a statue, my friend", Combeferre explained. "I can see through you because I've known you for decades. I know that when you said 'when isn't he drunk', you meant it with the best of intentions, because you can see how his compulsion is bad for him. But, for an outsider, or a person that doesn’t know you for that long, it looked like you were scowling in disgust. I know it's not your fault", Combeferre quickly added, "and that you are not aware that, most times, your facial expressions doesn't match your true feelings. I'm just telling you this because, maybe, Grantaire might think you hate him too, just as you think he hates you". 

Enjolras was taken aback at this, too surprised by Combeferre's words to come up with an answer. 

Now, as he stood in front of the hospital room hesitantly, he did his best to wear a facial expression that showed how much he cared for and loved Grantaire. After training for a few seconds, he pushed the door open and entered the room. 

Grantaire immediately turned his head to see who had entered, and his somewhat still glassy eyes focused on Enjolras and _shined_. Enjolras could see Grantaire managing a smile from beneath the oxygen mask, but soon his mouth dropped and his brow twisted in a frown. Enjolras couldn’t help but to frown too, unconsciously mimicking Grantaire. 

The cynic raised a weak hand and pulled the oxygen mask away from his face. 

"What are you doing here, Enjolras?", he asked, voice raspy. He sounded breathless. 

"I'm here to visit you", Enjolras responded, remembering his face was probably not matching his feelings and putting a smile on. He hoped it didn’t look forced.  

"Ok... But why?" Grantaire smiled in confusion, still frowning. 

"Because I care about you", Enjolras said, frowning again. "I've come to visit you every single day, ever since you were taken in- … Where are my flowers?" Enjolras asked, noticing the bouquet he had brought was gone. 

"Flowers?" Grantaire asked, voice tiny because of the shortness of breath. 

"I brought you flowers yesterday", Enjolras explained, looking around the room for them. "Someone must have taken them". 

"You..." Grantaire stopped speaking to take deep breaths. "You... brought me flowers?" 

"Yes", Enjolras responded, angry at whoever took the flowers away. They were meant to help Grantaire see how much he cared, but now they were gone. "Like I said, I care about you. I was very worried". 

"Right", Grantaire eyed him suspiciously from where he was propped on the bed. 

"How are you feeling?" Enjolras asked, desperate to change the subject. He remembered Combeferre's advice not to push Grantaire into a conversation about feelings until he was recovered. He put another smile on, to encourage the cynic. 

"Like crap", Grantaire puffed, sounding exhausted. "I still can't breathe properly and my pain meds are running out right now. It feels like a truck tap danced on my chest". 

"I'm sorry", Enjolras said with sincerity, unconsciously taking Grantaire's hand into his like he had been doing for the whole week. He didn’t notice the way Grantaire looked at his own hand with confused wide eyes; he was too busy looking at his own feet. "And I also came here to thank you for saving my life. You shouldn’t have put yourself in danger to do so, but thank you". 

"No problem, Apollo", Grantaire wheezed. "I wouldn’t just stand there and let you be trampled to death". 

"Oh, so you remember what happened!" Enjolras commented. He had thought Grantaire would still be too out of it to properly remember the events of that day. 

"Yeah", Grantaire wheezed. "I remember most of it... there are still some pieces I'm not sure I imagined or not", he shrugged. 

"Like what?" Enjolras frowned. If Grantaire needed help remembering, he would gladly give it to him. 

The cynic stared at him for a long time, as if trying to read Enjolras. 

"Nothing important", Grantaire finally shrugged, looking away from the leader. "I probably dreamed it". 

Enjolras took Grantaire's word and decided to move on with the subject. 

"Well, I am glad you're recovering. I look forward to see you at Les Amis' meetings again". 

"You do?" Grantaire frowned, smiling. 

"Yes", Enjolras rolled his eyes. Why didn’t Grantaire believe anything Enjolras was telling him? "Though I don’t admit it much, I value your opinions. Our discussions, though vicious, help me improve my arguments". 

"Glad to know I'm useful to you", Grantaire wheezed, not looking at Enjolras. 

"You're useful to all of us", Enjolras commented. "Joly was worried sick about you". 

"Joly is worried sick about everything", Grantaire rolled his eyes. 

"Why do you insist on self-deprecating?", Enjolras snapped, angry at the cynic for thinking so little of himself. 

"I'm just saying the truth", Grantaire shrugged, voice tiny. 

"The truth is that I, and all of our friends, care a lot about you, and we were all worried sick. So please, focus on getting better so you can get out of this hospital and we can move on with our lives". 

It was only after he spoke the words that Enjolras noticed how harsh he sounded. He hadn't mean to sound this detached, but now Grantaire was looking up at him with _that look_ he always wore whenever Enjolras hurt him, and oh shit, he screwed up didn’t he? 

"Sorry to be such an... inconvenience for you guys", Grantaire wheezed. "It's not like I asked to be in this... fucking hospital on the first place". 

"Grantaire..." 

"I didn’t... ask you to be here", Grantaire looked away from Enjolras. Were those... tears on his eyes? "Why are you... truly here, Enjolras? I don’t... need your pity, I don’t want it. I did what... I did... because I... chose so", he said the words with a pause between them, due to the lack of breath. "You don't... need to blame... yourself for... that. You don’t... owe me... anything". 

"Please put your oxygen mask on", Enjolras pleaded, noticing how hard Grantaire was panting now. 

"Trying to... make me... shut up, huh?" Grantaire mocked, looking back up at Enjolras with sad eyes. 

"I'm trying to keep you from killing yourself, you stupid man", Enjolras said, grabbing the mask and practically shoving it on Grantaire's face. The cynic raised a hand to hold it in place, leaning back on the bed and closing his eyes from the exhaustion. "Please, just breathe and listen to me, ok?" 

Grantaire didn’t open his eyes, but nodded briefly. 

"I'm not here for pity or because I feel like I owe you anything, I'm here because you're my friend and I care about you. I'm sorry I was harsh to you, it's just that you have an unique way of getting to my nerves and it seems like you always know exactly how to make me lose my temper. I'm working on controlling my bursts of anger, specially around you, because you don’t deserve all that harshness I treat you with". Grantaire reopened his eyes, staring intensely at Enjolras as he took deep, slow breaths. "You being here is not an inconvenience to me or to any of us, otherwise I wouldn't have come here to visit you every single day for the past week. I come visit you because I lov-, look, I care about you a lot, and I just want to see you well and healthy, ok?" 

Well that was close. 

Grantaire frowned at him, removing the mask briefly so that he could speak. 

"What's up with you?" He asked, voice raspy. Enjolras angrily shoved the mask back to his face and held it in place with his own hand. 

"I would very much like to talk to you, as soon as you're better and out of here. It is a very serious subject, but I can't discuss it with you until you're a hundred percent recovered, ok?" 

Grantaire nodded, despite still frowning. 

"Now, please, rest", Enjolras said, caressing Grantaire's curls. "You need to rest if you want to get better". 

Grantaire muttered something that sounded like "I'm not tired", but his voice was muffled by the mask on his face. Enjolras rolled his eyes. 

"Sure you aren't", he said. "I'll stay here with you until you sleep, ok?" 

Grantaire looked at him with a heart-clenching confusion in his eyes. 

"Why are you doing this, Enjolras?" He asked from beneath the mask. Enjolras wouldn’t have understood the words if he hadn't been paying close attention. 

He didn’t respond, and Grantaire closed his eyes. He waited until his breathing evened out to finally answer. 

"Because I love you". 

- 

Enjolras continued to visit Grantaire every single day. 

As expected, he was extremely miserable from having to spend his days lying helplessly on a hospital bed, with nothing to do, and all the Amis did their best to keep him entertained during his stay on the hospital. 

Jehan would do as Enjolras and go visit Grantaire every day, always taking poetry with him. He would read his own poems to Grantaire, or take a poetry book he liked to lend Grantaire so he could distract himself. He even took Grantaire's suggestions of verses to add to his poems, and the cynic was always left with a heartfelt smile after Jehan went away. 

Bahorel and Feuilly did their best to visit together, always telling Grantaire stories about the brawls he missed on their boxing classes, or times when Feuilly pranked Bahorel by telling him the wrong plot for a movie. They even told him Grantaire about the day they watched Anastasia and Enjolras nearly gave himself another head injury in utter rage. Grantaire made a mental note to tease the leader about that later. 

Combeferre made his best to visit regularly, always bringing Grantaire recent newspapers and information about the outer world. He was the one responsible for taking notes on Grantaire's classes, and for catching him up with his favorite TV shows. 

Courfeyrac, on the other hand, was the one responsible for the sea of balloons with "get well!" whishes flooding the hospital room. There were also innumerous teddy bears and plush hearts decorating the place, all of them wishing Grantaire the same thing. He was honestly surprised that none of the things Courfeyrac brought were covered in glitter, which was uncommon (but he was thankful for). 

Joly and Bossuet were regulars just like Enjolras, not a single day passed without them visiting the man. Bossuet knocked down and accidentally broke three glasses of flowers (all sent by Enjolras) until everyone agreed it would be better to stop sending flowers altogether. Joly always fussed over Grantaire like a mother hen, but other than that, he seemed extremely happy to see his friend finally recovering. 

Grantaire hated hospitals, and specially hated being stuck inside one, but his friends made it somehow better. He appreciated the effort every single one of them was making to make him feel more comfortable with that whole unpleasant situation. 

The only thing that didn't make any sense was Enjolras. 

Enjolras had never shown Grantaire anything other than reluctance, always sending him disgusted looks and screaming hurtful truths at his face. Sure, Grantaire returned the favor of yelling hurtful truths, but he loved Enjolras, and Enjolras didn’t love him. 

To Grantaire, the only possible explanation for Enjolras' daily visit was the guilt the leader was probably feeling in regard of that whole situation. 

He asked Joly and Bossuet about that during one of their visits. They were Grantaire's closest friends, but they were also very close to Enjolras, so they would probably know why Enjolras was being all affectionate and awkward to him, wouldn’t they? 

Bossuet seemed extremely uncomfortable with Grantaire's question and excused himself, knocking off two teddy bears as he exited the room quickly, claimed he needed to use the bathroom. Joly looked at Grantaire nervously, hands fidgeting on his lap and biting his lower lip. 

"He's guilty, yes", Joly said. "But that's not the reason he's doing any of this". 

"Then why's that?" Grantaire asked, confused. "I don’t get it. He always acted like he hated me, and now he's all.. I don’t know. It looks like he actually cares about me, but that doesn’t make any sense!" 

"Maybe he does care, R", Joly sighed. "Maybe it took him a long time to figure his feelings out, and now that he has, he is trying to show-" 

"Feelings? What feelings?" Grantaire scoffed. "Enjolras doesn’t have feelings for me". 

"Why do you think so?" 

"Well, it's obvious, isn't it?" Grantaire rolled his eyes. "He's always looking either disgusted or annoyed whenever he comes over, he keeps rolling his eyes at me and always end up yelling something. Then he does something affectionate, like playing with my hair or taking my hand, but suddenly he looks like he's regretted it and goes back to being cold. He's always hated me, he's only trying to look affectionate because I saved his life and now he feels like he owes me, or something". 

"Or maybe he actually cares?" Joly suggested. Grantaire eyed him suspiciously. 

"Do you know something I don’t?" He asked. 

"Look, R, it's not my place to discuss this with you", Joly sighed. "Enjolras wants you to get better before you two talk about this, so just have a little patience and focus on getting better, ok?" 

"But I want to know", Grantaire basically pouted. 

"I know, R", Joly gave him a sad smile. "But this is up to Enjolras. He doesn’t want to do anything that might stress you out, or hurt you, ok? Give him some time". 

"Fine", Grantaire muttered, upset. 

"I have something that may cheer you up", Joly announced, smiling and grabbing his backpack. He opened it and pulled Grantaire's smartphone from inside. 

"Thank god", Grantaire sighed in relief. "Oh my god, Joly, you're a saint. Finally a way to get in touch with civilization once more". 

"Don't use it too much, you know the rule", Joly. "You've been here for a month now. The doctors say that, if you keep progressing like this, you may be released in two weeks. You'll still have to take physiotherapy sessions, but apart from that, you will be free. So don’t let this evil technology get in the way of your progress". 

"I won't", Grantaire promised. "Thank you so much, Joly!" 

"If you need anything, text me. I can't be here 24/7 but I can keep you company virtually". 

"Will do", Grantaire cheered, outstretching his arms and inviting Joly for a hug. 

"Take care, R", Joly said, rubbing his friend's hair with affection. "Only a couple more weeks and you'll be out of here". 

- 

As soon as Enjolras stepped home from work, his phone buzzed with a new text. It was 8 p.m. and he was exhausted from the day, so he decided to take a shower and grab something to eat before checking it. 

Nearly an hour later, when he was finally clean and on his pajamas, he grabbed the phone to reply to his messages. He almost drop the device in shock when he saw who the message was from. 

 ** _From: R (20:03_** ** _) Guess_** ** _whos_** ** _back_** ** _back_** ** _again_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (20:50) How did you get a phone???_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (20:50) It’s a secret I_** ** _aint_** ** _snitching on my pals_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (20:52) Fine it was_** ** _joly_** ** _but_** ** _don_** ** _t_** ** _tell him I told u_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (20:52) … Should you be using a phone?_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (20:52)_** ** _Don_** ** _t_** ** _worry about me_** ** _apollo_** ** _, ill be fine. Plus_** ** _i_** ** _was bored to death_** ** _joly_** ** _was just being a good guy and giving me_** ** _smth_** ** _to do_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (20:53) Oh, okay. This is actually good, I missed talking to you._**  

Enjolras wasn’t sure why he had said that, but it was just the truth. 

 ** _From: R (20:54) But we saw each other twice today_**  

Enjolras blushed. 

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (20:55) I meant texting you*. Sorry, stupid auto correct._**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (20:56)_** ** _We_** ** _ve_** ** _never texted before_** ** _apollo_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (20:56) But_** ** _don_** ** _t_** ** _worry I get what u meant. I miss u too you know_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (20:57) You do?_**  

 ** _From: R (20:57) Yeah. Actually_** ** _im_** ** _pretty glad that u come visit me everyday. It makes being stuck in this place more bearable_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (20:58) I'm glad to help. How are you feeling?_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (20:59) Actually_** ** _im_** ** _not feeling anything these pain meds are_** ** _hella_** ** _strong_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (21:00) Are you high?_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:00) Lmao u really_** ** _don_** ** _t_** ** _know a single thing about me do u_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (21:01) What do you mean?_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:01) Why do u think we never texted before_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (21:02) I don't know. Why?_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:02) Lmao_**  

 ** _From: R (21:03) I_** ** _didn_** ** _t_** ** _have the courage to text u_** ** _apollo_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (21:03) If you're texting me because you're high on pain meds maybe we should stop and wait until you're thinking straight. I don’t want you to say anything you might regret._**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:04)_** ** _Enjolras_** **_im_** ** _bi as fuck_** ** _im_** ** _never thinking straight_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:04)_** ** _Lmaooooooo_**  

 ** _From: R (21:04) Anyways, if u_** ** _don_** ** _t_** ** _want to text that_** ** _s fine, just say u_** ** _don_** ** _t_** **_wanna_** ** _text_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:05) No need to sugar coat me_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (21:05) I want to text. I just don’t want you to be uncomfortable with something you may say to me and avoid me later. I want to keep seeing you._**  

 ** _From: R (21:07) Why is that?_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (21:07) I care about you, and I miss you. I wouldn’t like to stop seeing you._**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:09) Yeah me neither I guess. But_** ** _don_** ** _t_** ** _worry_** ** _apollo_** **_ive_** ** _been worse than this before and I kept myself from texting_** ** _u_**  

 ** _From: R (21:10) But tell me what_** ** _ure_** ** _doing_**  

 ** _From: R (21:10) Saving the world?_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (21:10) Not today. I just got home from work and took a nice shower, now I'm lying in bed and talking to you._**  

 ** _From: R (21:11) Oh am I keeping u from sleeping_**  

 ** _From: R (21:11) Sorry ill stop texting u_**  

 ** _To: R (21:11) You're not keeping me from sleeping, I enjoy talking to you. Plus I can never sleep before two am anyways._**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:12) Me neither. Insomnia sucks_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:12) So_** ** _Bahorel_** ** _told me u watched Anastasia_**  

 ** _To: R (21:13) Please don’t mention this godforsaken movie to me_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:13) But_** ** _enjy_** ** _the music is great_**  

 ** _From: R (21:14) Dancing bears_**  

 ** _From_** ** _: R (21:14)_** ** _Painted_** **_wings_**  

 ** _From_** ** _: R (21:14)_** ** _Things_** **_i_** **_almost_** **_remeeeember_**  

 ** _From_** ** _: R (21:14)_** ** _And_** ** _a_** ** _song_** **_someone_** **_sings_**  

 ** _From_** ** _: R (21:14)_** ** _Once_** **_upon_** ** _a_** ** _deceeeeeeember_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (21:15) How do you even know the songs??_**  

 ** _To: R (21:15)_** ** _Grantaire_** ** _did you actually enjoy that movie????_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:16) Oh_** ** _cmon_** ** _the movie sucks but the songs are cool_** ** _apollo_**  

 ** _To: R (21:16) I can't believe this. I have been betrayed by you_**  

 ** _From: R (21:17) Forgive me o_** ** _apollo_** ** _. What can I do to repair_** ** _my sins?_**  

 ** _To: R (21:18) Get better and come home so I can ask you out on a date._**  

Ok, Enjolras probably shouldn’t have sent Grantaire that message. He cursed himself, heart racing. Combeferre had warned him about this, he shouldn’t have... What would he do?! 

 ** _From: R (21:21) You want to take me on a date?_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (21:21) I'm sorry I shouldn’t have said this. Please forget I just said this_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:22) Why?_** ** _Didn_** ** _t_** ** _u_** ** _mean it?_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (21:22) We shouldn’t be talking about this right now, I'm sorry, that was wrong of me._**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:2_** ** _3) But u did say it_** ** _i_** ** _cant just forget it_** ** _enjolras_** ** _. It_** ** _s a simple question_** ** _tho_**  

 ** _From: R (21:23) A yes or no question_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (21:24) Shouldn't you be sleeping...?_**  

 ** _From: R (21:25) R u_** ** _srs_** ** _?_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:25) How can I sleep if u wont answer me_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (21:2_** ** _6) Please, PLEASE, let's change the subject?_**  

 ** _To: R (21:26) How do the doctors and nurses treat you? Are they feeding you well? Are you being taken care of?_**  

 ** _From: R (21:27)_** ** _Enjolras_** ** _u come here everyday u know they treat me well_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:27) Well except for that terrible soup_** ** _maureen_** ** _served me today. God that thing was terrible yikes_**  

Enjolras let out a sigh of relief, thankful for the change of subject. 

 ** _To: R (21:28) I'll make sure they won't serve you that anymore._**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:2_** ** _9) What a nice fucking guy u are_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:29) Thanks a million for defending my lost honor_**  

 ** _To: R (21:30) I thought you didn’t like the soup?? I'm just trying to make you more comfortable, that's all. I won't register the complaint if you don’t want me to._**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:32) Can u just stop??_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (21:33) I don’t understand what you mean, R._**  

 ** _From: R (21:33) Stop_** ** _bein_** ** _g so fucking_** ** _nicet_** ** _o me_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:33)_** ** _Th_** ** _e last thing I want is_** ** _ur_** ** _pity_**  

 ** _To: R (21:34) I thought we had gotten over this. I don’t pity you, R. I would never._**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:35)_** ** _im_** ** _honest to god I_** ** _dont_** ** _get u_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:35) One day_** ** _ure_** ** _super cute and nice to me and u caress my hair and kiss my forehead_**  

 ** _From: R (21:35)_** ** _Don_** ** _t_** ** _u dare think I don_** ** _t feel that_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:36) And then on the following moment_** ** _ur_** ** _scowling at me and rolling_** ** _ur_** ** _eyes and acting like_** ** _ure_** ** _being forced to spend_** ** _time with me_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:36) This really makes a guy wonder u know_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:37) U never acted like this with me_** ** _before_** ** _,_** ** _uve_** ** _always been cold and blatant_** ** _l_** ** _y rude and u never showed u cared about me_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:37) It rly looks like_** ** _ure_** ** _doing this just because I saved u_**  

 ** _T_** ** _o: R (21:38) I'm not. I swear to you, R, I'm not. It's not pity or guilt or any of those things. I'm not being forced to spend time with you. It's not about any of that._**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:40) Then...? What is it about?_**  

Combeferre's voice echoed on his head.  

As much as he wanted to tell Grantaire how he felt, it didn’t feel right to do it via text. It was the middle of the night, visiting hours were far from over, and Grantaire was not on his right mind. Enjolras couldn’t tell him he loved him like this. He wanted the moment to be special, to be memorable. He knew how many bad memories Grantaire held from his past, Enjolras wanted him to have this good one to cherish. 

He decided he would tell him, without any more delay, on the following day. Personally, face to face. Grantaire would be released in two weeks, surely he was strong enough to hear what Enjolras had to tell him. Maybe it would even help him with the recovery. 

 ** _From: R (21:44)_** ** _Im_** ** _tired of lying,_** ** _enjolras_** ** _._** ** _Im_** ** _tired of hiding how I feel._** ** _Im_** ** _tired of having to pretend_** ** _im_** ** _not head over heel_** ** _s for you._** ** _Im_** ** _tired of pretending that I_** ** _don_** ** _t_** ** _ache for u daily. Every single time u visited me on this damn hospital made my day 1000% better, even if it was just u standing there staring at me w your dumb face. I almost died,_** ** _i_** ** _almost lost my only chance of telling u,_** ** _and_** ** _im_** ** _tired of not letting_** ** _u know how much_** ** _i_** ** _fucking love you, ok? And everyone has been acting and_** ** _talkgin_** ** _to me as if u love me too, and YOU have been acting as if you love me, so I need to know._** ** _Im_** ** _tired of pretending, and if everyone is right and u do have feelings for me then u must be tired of pretending too. So_** ** _pls_** ** _just answer my question_**  

 ** _F_** ** _rom: R (21:45) Do you love me,_** ** _Enjolras_** ** _?_**  

Enjolras' heart was beating madly inside his chest, his palms were sweating and he didn’t know what to do. He closed the conversation with Grantaire and sent a desperate text to Combeferre. 

 ** _To:_** ** _Combeferre_** ** _(21:46)_** ** _Ferre_** ** _are you there??? I need your help right now_**  

Combeferre's response came a few seconds later. 

 ** _From:_** ** _Combeferre_** ** _(21:46) What happened? Are you okay?_**  

Enjolras' phone rung, and he quickly answered it, hoping it was his best friend, but it wasn’t. He finished the call when he realized it was telemarketing, and reopened the conversation with shaky fingers. He typed out a quick " **No** ", hitting send and closing the conversation again, and waited for Combeferre's response. It came a few seconds later. 

 ** _From:_** ** _Combeferre_** ** _(21:47)_** ** _Enjolras_** ** _what's wrong?_**  

 ** _To:_** ** _Combeferre_** ** _(21:47) Are you busy? Can you come over?_**  

 ** _From:_** ** _Combeferre_** ** _(21:48) I'm on my way._**  

Enjolras muted the phone and set it aside, pulling his knees up to his chest. It would be better not to answer Grantaire for now, he needed Combeferre's advice and he already planned on confessing his feelings for the man on the following day. Everything would be just fine, wouldn’t it? 

Except Enjolras never noticed that, in the nervous state that made his hands tremble, he had opened the wrong conversation after the call. Instead of sending the message saying "No" to Combeferre, he sent it to the conversation directly beneath it. 

He had sent it to Grantaire. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear to god I was going to make them happy but I couldn't lose this oportunity. I'm sorry :-)


	5. Chapter 5

On the following morning, Enjolras woke up with excitement. 

He took a hot shower, and made sure his blonde curls were neatly combed and tied into a bun on the top of his head. He chose his prettiest casual outfit – tight black pants and a dark red social shirt, with a grey blazer thrown over it. Looking in the mirror, he found himself content with the way he looked. 

He left a quick note on the kitchen table for Combeferre: _"went to the hospital to see R. I'm_ _gonna_ _tell him everything. See you later x"._  

Combeferre had found him trembling on the couch on the previous night, unsure of what to do. He had made Enjolras hot tea, waiting for the man to calm down and tell him what had happened. As soon as Enjolras finished telling his story, Combeferre had given him his advice. 

"I know I told you to wait until he was 100% better, but this changes everything. I didn’t think he would tell you how he felt this soon..." 

"You knew he loved me?" Enjolras had asked, eyes wide. 

"Everyone knew, Enjolras. He was very obvious about it", Combeferre had sighed. 

"I... I never noticed", Enjolras had said, eyes gazing downwards. Had he really been that oblivious? 

"Well, that doesn’t make a difference now. Did you reply to his message?" 

"No. I... I didn’t want to tell him that I love him for the first time through text. I want it- I want it to be personal. To look him in the eye. I want it to be special". 

Combeferre had given him a half smile at this, finding beauty in Enjolras' intentions. 

"I don’t think you should leave the message unanswered, though", he had clicked his tongue. "He will think you don’t want to answer because you don’t reciprocate his feelings, but is trying not to hurt him". 

"But I can't answer it, either", Enjolras had protested. "I don’t want to tell him this through text, and if I change subjects, he will think I don’t love him. I'm too afraid to even open the conversation, Combeferre". 

"Then go to the hospital first thing in the morning and tell him how you feel", Combeferre had told him. "You already knows he feels the same. It should be easier for you now, to tell him your true feelings". 

Enjolras remembered Combeferre's words from the previous night as he stopped by a flower shop on the way to the hospital. He picked the prettiest bouquet of red roses available, hoping Grantaire would like it. Visiting hours would begin in a few minutes, time enough for Enjolras to walk to the hospital without hurry. He frowned in confusion when he arrived and saw Joly and Bossuet at the waiting room, though. It was very uncommon for them to be there so early. 

"Hey guys", Enjolras greeted, despite still frowning. "What are you doing here?" 

As Enjolras approached them further he noticed the puffiness beneath Joly's eyes, and the dark shadows beneath Bossuet's. The leader's frown deepened when Joly's tired looked turned into one of disgust as soon as he spotted Enjolras. 

"I should ask you the same", the young doctor said, standing up from his seat and scowling at Enjolras. "What _the fuck_ do you think you're doing here?" 

Enjolras was taken aback at the harshness of the words, confused. Joly only cursed at moments of extreme stress, and he had never been this rude to Enjolras. 

"I don't understand-" Enjolras began to say, but was cut off by Joly's angry hand snapping the bouquet away from his hands. 

"And you dare bring him _flowers_? After what you've _done_?" Joly basically shouted, making a lot of nurses turn their heads and stare with disapproval. 

"What did I do?" Enjolras frowned, flinching when Joly threw the bouquet on the floor with impatience. He quickly bent over and picked it up, trying to straighten it with his spare hand. 

"Don’t you dare try to play naïve on me, Enjolras", Joly said, and he was fuming with anger. "You know I love you and look up to you, but after this? I don’t know if I can trust you ever again. Not after this shit you pulled off _right after I told you_ I trusted him with you". 

"Joly, I don’t understand what you're saying!" Enjolras snapped, confused and afraid. He had no idea what he was talking about. 

"I'm talking about _this_ ", Joly spat, tone dripping venom, pulling off a phone from his pocket – Enjolras recognized it to be Grantaire's phone – and shoving it at Enjolras' chest. The leader grabbed it with clumsy hands, placing the bouquet carefully at one of the plastic chairs before looking back at the screen. 

The phone was showing his conversation with Grantaire on the previous night, and Enjolras frowned, scrolling it down as he read it. His heart stopped when he reached the bottom. 

**_To: Apollo (21:45) Do you love me,_** ** _Enjolras_** ** _?_**  

**_From: Apollo (21:46) No_**  

"No", Enjolras said, breathless, voice barely above a whisper. Joly and Bossuet were glaring at him from their seats. "No, no, this isn't... no, I didn’t, this message wasn’t meant for him! I sent it to the wrong person, it was mea-" 

"Spare me, Enjolras", Bossuet interrupted, mimicking his boyfriend's anger. "If you didn’t like R back, you shouldn’t have played with his feelings like that. Damn, you even made _us_ believe that you felt something for him! It would have hurt him less if you had continued ignoring him, instead of giving him hope and crushing it right in front of his eyes". 

"I swear, I didn’t mean to send him this", Enjolras said, struggling to breathe. It was as if his airway was swelling, less and less air making its way to his lungs. He was shaking so hard he dropped the phone on his hands with a loud clattering sound, and the tears that formed on his eyes were blurring his vision. "I swear, I love him, I sent it to the wrong person, I didn’t even see this, I'm sorry, I love him, oh my god, I didn’t mean to", he was basically sobbing now, and he knew he probably looked pathetic in the eyes of his friends, but he couldn’t care less. The only thing that mattered to him right now was seeing Grantaire, and making sure he was ok. Making him believe that Enjolras loved him would be even harder right now, but that didn’t mean Enjolras would give up. "Please, let me see him, I need to tell him this was a misunderstanding, an accident, I came here to tell him I love him because I wanted to look in his eyes as I did so, I swear, this message wasn’t meant for him". 

Joly eyed him warily from his seat, looking like he wanted to believe in Enjolras, but couldn’t. 

"Even if I wanted to let you see him, I can't", Joly said, sitting back down. He looked defeated. "He's back at the ICU". 

"W-what?" Enjolras asked, actually feeling his stomach churn. He had to lean on the nearest wall not to lose balance; he felt like he was about to fall down any minute now. 

"He's back at the ICU", Joly repeated. "We can only see him for a few minutes, and the visiting hours aren't the same-" 

"But why", Enjolras interrupted, voice shaking. The tears were falling freely from his eyes and running down his cheeks now, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. "Why is he back at the ICU?" 

"Because you gave him a fucking panic attack, that's why", Bossuet explained angrily. "The hospital called us in the middle of the night saying Grantaire had to be sedated because he was having a severe panic attack and couldn’t be calmed down. His recovering lung collapsed again, and he's back in intubation. He has a fever that refuses to break and no one knows the reason for, but I'm pretty damn sure it's emotional. Basically most of the progress he's done for the past weeks was thrown on the garbage because you couldn’t care enough to send a text to the right person". 

The truth behind Bossuet's words sent a stab through Enjolras' heart and he found himself unable to remain upright. His legs gave in and he fell to the floor, leaning heavily against the wall and failing to keep the loud sobs forming in his throat from emerging. He looked like a desperate mess, and even Joly must have realized that through his anger, because he was soon kneeling beside Enjolras with a steady hand on his shoulder and a worried voice urging him to breathe. 

"How could I do this", Enjolras was sobbing between his loud gulps of air. "I love him, I love him so much, I can't lose him, not like this- it was an accident, I didn’t mean to, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, it was an accident". 

"Enjolras, calm down", Joly was nervously instructing now, unbuttoning the first buttons of Enjolras' collar to ease his breathing. "Bossuet, fetch him a cup of water". 

Bossuet gave Enjolras a half-angry look before doing as Joly said and getting up from the chair. 

"Please, Joly, you have to believe me", Enjolras sobbed, looking up at his friend with tears flooding his eyes as he frantically sobbed. "I love Grantaire, I came here this early because I wanted to tell him I love him first thing in the morning, I didn’t even know that text was sent, it was meant to Combeferre, I'm so sorry, just let me speak to him and make this right, I promise, I'll make this right and I'll make him happy, I promise, please, don’t let him be taken away from me" 

"Enjolras, breathe", Joly said, taking the cup Bossuet was offering and helping Enjolras to drink it. "I believe you, just calm down ok?" 

"I'm sorry", Enjolras repeated, resuming drinking the water and covering his face with both hands, chest rising and falling rapidly. 

"I'm sorry I was so harsh to you", Joly mumbled, placing a hand on Enjolras' shoulder. "I lost my temper. I'm just so stressed and worried about R, I'm sorry". 

"I need to see him", Enjolras asked, voice shaking and pleading, looking desperately at Joly. "I need to tell him I love him, I need to make this right". 

"You can't see him yet", Joly sighed. "You'll have to wait with us for a bit". 

"And even so he won't be awake", Bossuet added. "He'll be kept under sedation until tomorrow morning". 

"Oh my god", Enjolras sobbed, covering his face again. 

"Enjolras, get out of this floor, come on", Joly instructed, grabbing Enjolras by the arm and hoisting him from his sitting position on the hospital floor. "Sit on the chair". 

Enjolras obeyed, eyes unfocused, and let Joly settle him on the uncomfortable plastic chair. 

"I'm going to call Combeferre", Joly announced with a sigh. "He can deal with this better than me. I'll be right back. Keep an eye on him", he told Bossuet.  

As Joly's footsteps disappeared with the distance, Bossuet turned his head to look at Enjolras, who had pulled his knees up to his chest and was weeping silently now, bouquet of flowers forgotten on the seat beside him. Bossuet read him for several seconds before speaking up. 

"Do you really love him, Enjolras?"  

Enjolras turned his head to look at him, face wet by tears.  

"Yes", he said, voice small and trembling. Bossuet stared at him, lips tightening into a thin line. "Do you believe me?" 

"I don’t know", Bossuet responded with sincerity. "But I've never seen you like this. So I think you may be speaking the truth". 

"I am", Enjolras practically whined, voice breaking. "I love him. This was never meant to happen, I'm so sorry". 

"Don't ever hurt R like this again, Enjolras", Bossuet said, but there was some softness in his eyes. 

"I won't", Enjolras said. "I promise". 

Joly returned, sitting beside Bossuet and taking the man's hand into his. 

"I talked to Ferre. He'll let the others know about R's condition and he's on his way". 

Enjolras' wristwatch beeped, and in no time a nurse made her way to them and announced that they could see Grantaire, two people at the time. Joly and Bossuet exchanged a look, wanting to go in together but not wanting to leave Enjolras alone with Grantaire afterwards. Finally, Joly stood up, dragging Bossuet up with him. 

"I'm going in with Bossuet", Joly announced. "He'll come out and then you can go in, ok?" 

Enjolras looked reluctant but nodded silently.  

He didn’t even look to see if the pair was gone before hiding his face beneath crossed arms that were leaning on his lifted knees and sobbing. How could he be so reckless? He should have made sure he was texting the right person, he should have reopened the conversation and realized his mistake and fixed in time. 

But instead he hurt Grantaire so bad he had to be taken back to the ICU. A single word coming from Enjolras harmed Grantaire so badly that his body could no longer sustain itself.  

Enjolras tried to understand what had passed through Grantaire's mind on that moment, what he must have thought on the moment he read the text. Could a single no do that much harm, even if not intended? 

He put himself in Grantaire's place. If he had been lying on a hospital bed after saving Grantaire, and declared himself to the cynic via text, and then he said he didn’t love Enjolras back, he would probably be as crushed as Grantaire was. 

The thought only made Enjolras sob louder; if merely thinking about the pain he had inflicted on Grantaire made Enjolras' chest burn with guilt and sorrow, he could only imagine what the man must have felt. Making things right now would be ten times more difficult. 

He didn’t even hear Bossuet's footsteps – how much time had passed? - until the man's hand was on his shoulder, gently nudging him. Enjolras looked up with red eyes, and stood up as soon as he recognized the face before him. Barely nodding at Bossuet, he rushed to the ICU, desperately trying to find Grantaire's bed. 

Enjolras spotted Joly and practically jogged towards the bed. Grantaire was back in intubation, but Enjolras noticed his eyes were swollen and bruised. 

"What happened to his eyes?" He asked Joly, who was staring fixedly at his friend on the bed. He bit his lower lip, as if reluctant about responding. 

"He must have shut them too tightly when crying", he said, and Enjolras' heart tightened so hard inside his chest that he couldn’t suppress a sob.  

"I'm so sorry, R", Enjolras said, caressing the man's hair tenderly. "I'm so sorry. I love you so much". 

"If everything goes well, he'll be taken out of intubation tomorrow morning", Joly told him absentmindedly. 

"Will he be awake then?" Enjolras asked, voice shaking. 

"Not immediately after, but yes. He'll probably be still drugged, though", the young doctor explained. 

"Then I'll wait", Enjolras said, raising his chin as if daring Joly to defy him. "I'll stay here until he wakes up". 

"Stop being ridiculous", Joly immediately responded. "He won't wake up until tomorrow, there's no need for you to stay". 

"I want to", Enjolras said. "If something happens, I want to be here. I want to be here for him in case anything goes wrong again". 

Joly eyed him with annoyance, and the man didn’t have to speak for Enjolras to know what he was thinking. _You_ _was the reason everything went wrong in the first place_. 

"I won't argue with you", Joly sighed. "You can talk this through with Combeferre". 

"He won't make me change my mind. I won't leave this hospital until I tell Grantaire this has been all a misunderstanding, and that I love him", Enjolras turned his gaze back at Grantaire, whose face looked peaceful despite the tube and the bruises. He thought he could see Grantaire's eyelids flickering, but that was probably just his imagination. 

"We should go", Joly announced after a few minutes of silence. "We can't do anything for him". 

"Can I stay just a bit longer?" Enjolras asked, hating the way his voice sounded weak and unsteady. Joly gave him a wary look. 

"I'll wait for you outside the curtain", Joly announced reluctantly, before leaving Enjolras alone with Grantaire. 

Enjolras leaned towards Grantaire, placing a sloppy kiss on his forehead while still caressing his curls. 

"I'm sorry", he whispered, tears finding their way back to his eyes. "I'm sorry my words always hurt you even when I don’t mean to. And I'm sorry I did this to you. First the horse, now the text, I always seem to be hurting you no matter what I do. Maybe we shouldn’t date at all, maybe I should keep away from you and stop hurting you so much. But then, how would I be able to live without you? God damn it, I'm so selfish, am I not? You're here, lying in this hospital bed that I put you on, and I'm only thinking of myself. But as soon as you wake, I'll give you a choice. I'll let you know how much you mean to me. I'll convince you of how much I love you, and then I'll let you choose if you want to give me a chance, ok? I'll let you choose. And I'll keep loving you no matter what you choose". 

"Enjolras", Joly's voice called him. "We should go". 

Enjolras placed another sloppy kiss on Grantaire's forehead before standing up straight. 

"I love you, no matter what", Enjolras repeated, reluctantly letting go of the curls he had grown so used to caressing and following Joly out of the place. 

- 

"How are you?" Was the first thing Combeferre asked as soon as he arrived at the hospital. 

When Enjolras merely looked at his best friend with teary eyes and a pout, Joly decided to answer for him. 

"Not so good. He plans on staying at the hospital until Grantaire wakes up, even if that will only be tomorrow". 

"Enjolras, what good will you do staying here overnight? There's nothing you can do for him here", Combeferre explained patiently. 

"I will not leave", Enjolras muttered stubbornly. "Not until I tell him what happened and explain everything. Not until I tell him I love him back". 

"I won't let you sleep at a hospital chair when you could be home", Combeferre protested. "I'm sure the hospital won't allow it either". 

"You can say anything to me, and I won't change my mind. I won't leave until I speak to Grantaire", Enjolras said, voice sounding steady for the first time since he heard about Grantaire's condition. 

Combeferre exchanged a worried look with Joly before subtly pulling him away from Enjolras. 

"He was worse when we told him what had happened", Joly immediately said. "He nearly had a panic attack and he couldn’t stop crying. I had never seen him like this before, Combeferre". 

"Me neither", Combeferre nodded, sparing another look at the leader. "He really loves Grantaire, though, Joly", he continued, looking back at Joly with seriousness. "I've known Enjolras since we were little kids, and I've never seen him like this about anyone. This is the first time, and it's real". 

"They'll be a ticking bomb", Joly sighed, shaking his head. "They're extreme opposites, Combeferre... How will this ever work?" 

"I don’t know, either", Combeferre sounded resigned. "But if there's one thing I can be sure of, is that Enjolras won't give up just because it will be difficult". 

"I won't let him hurt R like this again, Combeferre", Joly said. "I need to know if he really reciprocates Grantaire's feelings". 

"I can't speak for him", Combeferre bit his lower lip. "And I can't presume to know his feelings. What I do know is that he's been talking about Grantaire on a daily basis for some months now, and that he told me he loves him. Isn't that what R's always wanted?" 

"Yes", Joly nodded, looking wary. "But if I know him, he won't believe Enjolras when he tells him he loves him, not after this. He'll have to truly convince him". 

"We both know that he won't give up", Combeferre turned his head to look at Enjolras, who was sitting at the end of the hall, hugging his knees that had been pulled up to his chest and staring straight ahead. "The only way for him to give up on Grantaire is if Grantaire himself tells him he doesn’t want anything with him". 

"They will be the death of me, I swear to god", Joly groaned. "They're both so dumb". 

"They are", Combeferre agreed. "Let's just hope they finally sort things out this time". 

- 

Enjoras was woken by a gentle hand nudging his forearm. 

Blinking his eyes open sluggishly and looking up, he found Joly and Bossuet staring at him 

"What time is it?" Enjolras asked, voice hoarse by the lack of use.  

"Nearly six a.m." Joly told him. "I'm taking you to the cafeteria across the street. You haven't eaten anything in hours and R will wake up soon". 

"He will?" Enjolras asked, heart beating faster in his chest. 

"Yes. You've been asleep on this chair since last night and I didn’t dare to wake you up until now. Let's go", Joly instructed. 

"I don't feel hungry", Enjolras protested as he outstretched his legs and arms, just for the sake of it. 

"I didn’t ask", Joly added, intertwining his arm with Enjolras' and leading him out of the hospital. "You're going to eat something, then you can go back in there and wait for R to wake up". 

Enjolras followed the doctor silently, allowing him to pick up whatever food he deemed more healthy for Enjolras and slowly nibbling at it. After a few minutes of silent eating and Joly typing rapidly on his phone, Enjolras decided to speak up. 

"Do you think he hates me?" 

"Hm?" Joly asked, not looking up from the phone screen. Enjolras' silence made him tear his gaze away from the device, frowning in confusion. "Who?" 

"Grantaire", Enjolras explained, and Joly's shoulders dropped. "Do you think he hates me? For that text?" 

"Of course not, Enjolras", Joly frown deepened. "He could never hate you. He must have been heartbroken", Joly said, but decided to continue at Enjolras' pained expression, "- but I am sure that once you explain everything to him, he'll understand". 

"Does he really love me?" Enjolras asked, hating how insecure and vulnerable he sounded. 

Joly studied him for a long time before answering. 

"Yes", he finally answered. "Do _you_ love him?" 

"Yes", Enjolras said, voice barely a whisper. "I've never felt like this before. I just want to make him happy". 

Joly looked resigned. 

"You two are my friends, and I just want you both to be happy", he said. "But if you ever hurt him like this again, Enjolras, I won't answer for my actions". 

"I understand", Enjolras nodded, lips shut tight. "But I don’t plan on ever hurting him, ever again, Joly. I really love him". 

"I believe you", Joly gave him a half smile. "But there's still one person that you need to convince". 

- 

Waiting was the worst part for Enjolras. 

He knew exactly what he would tell Grantaire, and he was prepared to any possible outcome. He had braced himself for rejection and for acceptation, but the wait was what made his hands tremble and twitch. He was biting his lip nervously, with such force that the skin broke and draw blood. His feet were tapping an unsteady rhythm on the floor, and he knew that it was probably annoying but he didn’t care. It was only a matter of minutes before Grantaire woke up, which meant he was only minutes away from either setting everything right and confessing his feelings for the love of his life or screwing things up even worse and making Grantaire hate him forever. 

He was so busy mentally rehearsing the speech he would deliver to Grantaire that he didn’t even hear the nurse approaching him. Combeferre had to nudge his elbow to catch his attention, and he looked up with confusion at the apparently impatient nurse before jumping to his feet and following the man out of the waiting room. 

Joly had been kind enough to prepare Grantaire before Enjolras spoke to him, making sure he was conscious enough to remember what Enjolras would tell him. The man gave Enjolras a small nod as he got out of the room, signaling that it would be safe for Enjolras to go in. He gave him a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder and a warning look before walking away, leaving Enjolras alone in front of the closed door, palms sweaty, knees weak, arms too heavy for him to open the door. He was nervous, but made sure that in the surface he looked calm and ready. Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door briefly before twisting the doorknob and entering. 

Grantaire was lying on the bed, head turned so he faced the wall instead of the door. From where Enjolras stood, he could not see the man's face, only the thick mop of dark curls. His breathing was shallow and rapid, as if he was nervous, and Enjolras approached the bed slowly and quietly, as if not to startle him. He finally reached the bed, hands shaking and sweaty, and dried both of them off on his pants before taking one of Grantaire's hand into his. He felt the man tense up, hand going stiff from the touch. 

"What are you doing here?" He asked, voice low and hoarse. He sounded a bit breathless. 

"I'm here to talk to you", Enjolras responded, voice tight with emotion.  

"So talk", Grantaire responded quietly. His voice sounded shaky, as if he was trying to hold back tears. 

"That text wasn’t meant for you", Enjolras started. "I was nervous and I ended up sending it to you, and I am so terribly sorry for that. I know how much it hurt you, and I will understand if you do not forgive me. But the only way I know how to make myself clear and eloquent is through speeches, so, if you don’t mind, I would like to deliver one for you now". 

Grantaire said nothing and didn’t move, so Enjolras took that as his cue. He cleared his throat and let go of Grantaire's hand. 

"I am often told that my facial expressions don’t match my emotions. This is probably true, because I've been in love with you for months and you never realized it. I don’t blame you", Enjolras quickly added when Grantaire stirred on the bed. "You were also in love with me and I never realized it. I believe I must apologize for both of these, because you were probably very much clearer than me about this. But what I mean to say – what I've been meaning to say for months now, but never had the courage to – is that you fascinate me. You are so amazing, despite all your flaws, you are... You are you, and that's all I could ask for. I have been developing feelings for you for a long time, but I never acted on them because I took them - I took you – for granted. But as soon as you saved my life on that day at the rally, as soon as I saw you bleeding in front of me, _because_ of me, only then I finally realized that I needed to let you know. I wanted you to know how much I love you, because maybe that would be enough to make you stay. And I did so. I told you I love you then and there, but I don’t suppose you heard me on that occasion. I wanted to tell you as soon as you woke up in this hospital, but... I... Some friends advised that maybe that wouldn’t be the best occasion to do so. I wanted it to be special, I wanted it to be memorable. I didn’t want it to be inside a hospital, which is a place you openly hate, I... I didn't want you to associate my feelings for you with a bad place. So I decided to wait. 

I made a mistake in talking about asking you out on that day via text, because I should have stuck to the plan and waited until you got out of here, but I- I don’t know what went over my head on that moment. When I realized I had already sent the words and I couldn’t take them back, and it's always like this with us, isn't it? I always tell you things before I think them through and I always end up hurting you, no matter if the words are good or bad. I'm sorry that I keep... doing this to you, and if I could possibly justify this, I would say that it is because you fascinate me so much that you make me lose track of my own thoughts. You make me distracted, and you make me unfocused, and please do not think that I find this a bad thing, because I don’t. You're the only person I've ever met to have such power over me, because I never lose track of my thoughts, and I'm never at a loss for words, but you? You make me confused, you make me have butterflies on my stomach, which is something I've always found stupid until I accidentally caught you dancing ballet on the backroom at the Musain five months ago, and that was when I first knew that butterflies on the stomach were a real thing. 

What I mean to say is that I was supposed to wait until you were out of here so that I could take you to a nice place and properly have this conversation, but I made several mistakes which ended up in you getting even more hurt and I majorly screwed everything up. Like I said, I understand if you don’t want to forgive me, and I'll even keep my distance from you if that is what you whish, but that won't change the nature of my feelings for you and I will keep loving you. Now that the words just left my mouth I realize how creepy this must have sound, but I just... I don’t want to stop loving you. You make me a better person, you make my argumentation better, and you make me laugh and smile even if it's because of silly little things like that time you drew me a sketch of Saint-Just, and I miss you whenever you're not around. Seeing you stuck in this hospital bed for months broke my heart, specially because I'm the one who put you here, but I vow to make up for this horrible time you must have had here with all that I can, if you'll have me. If you just give me a chance of proving my feelings for you, I promise to make you the happiest man on this earth". 

Enjolras spent so much time speaking that finally shutting his mouth made an uneasy silence fall on the room. It was like he could hear his own heart beating, pace fast, and the only sounds echoing on the room was his and Grantaire's rapid breaths. It felt like an eternity passed before the cynic finally spoke. 

"You're not saying this out of guilt, then?" He asked, voice breaking. 

"No. I would never lie about this", Enjolras said, gathering whatever courage he had left and taking Grantaire's hand into his again. "I would never do this to you, or speak about such a serious subject without meaning it. I love you, and I intend to prove it, if you're willing to give me a chance". 

Grantaire finally, finally turned around on the bed and stared at Enjolras straight in the eyes. His greyish eyes were teary, mimicking Enjolras' green ones, and he looked like he was about to burst into tears. 

"I'm so sorry for hurting you like this", Enjolras whispered, too afraid to raise his tone and make his voice break mid-sentence. 

A tear escaped from Grantaire's eye, but he quickly brushed it away while trying to regulate his breath. 

"I thought you hated me", Grantaire chocked out. "I thought... when I said all that shit to you, I knew I was doomed, but then I asked if you loved me and you said no and... and that hurt more than getting kicked in the chest by a horse. And I should know how that feels", he mustered a tiny chuckle that was ruined by the sob that followed it. Enjolras held his hand tighter, daring to caress the man's curls as he spoke. "I've been in love with you for so long that I don’t even remember when it started. All I've ever dreamed of was you loving me back. And then the horse thing happened, and you started acting very different, you were being affectionate to me, and everyone kept giving me hints that you might love me back, but then I asked and you said no and... it was as if my entire world collapsed. Fuck, I shouldn’t be telling you this because this will only hurt me later, but I'm tired of hiding what I feel for you, I'm tired of hiding, I... I could have died, and this is not your fault, whenever it comes down to my life or yours I'll always choose yours, but this made me realize how much time I was losing pretending I don’t love you when I actually love you more than anything in my life", he sniffed. 

"God, we're two idiots", Enjolras sobbed, pulling Grantaire carefully into a hug, which the man returned eagerly. "I love you so much". 

"I love you too", Grantaire muttered, placing a sloppy kiss on Enjolras' shoulder as they hugged. "And don’t blame yourself to this. You didn’t put me in this hospital, the horse did. I will always protect you". 

"And I, you", Enjolras smiled, breaking the hug so he could look Grantaire in the eyes. "I love you. I don’t care how many times I have to say it until you believe me, I'll say it a million times. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I lo-" 

"Ok, I get it", Grantaire chuckled, shaking his head. "You're one of a kind, Apollo". 

"So do you want to go on a date with me?" Enjolras smiled, despite feeling nervous. 

"Of course I do, Apollo", Grantaire rolled his eyes, smiling. "Though I believe you'll have to wait a little bit until I'm available". 

"I will wait for as long as I need, if that means I can have you", Enjolras said, caressing Grantaire's curls. 

"I'll always be yours, Apollo", Grantaire responded, and Enjolras pulled him into a kiss. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't over :-))))))


	6. Chapter 6

"Are you good to go?" Enjolras asked, offering an aiding arm to his boyfriend. Grantaire eagerly intertwined his arm with Enjolras', allowing the leader to lift him from the bed and steady him as soon as he got to his feet. 

"Yes", Grantaire said, still a bit groggy from the pain medicine. "I can't wait to get out of here". 

Grantaire was finally being released after over a month of hospitalization, and even if he and Enjolras had only declared themselves for each other a week before, they were already calling each other boyfriends.  

"I'm taking you to mine", Enjolras said, despite sounding slightly hesitant, while aiding Grantaire to the door. "So you can properly recover until you're a hundred percent better. Then, only then, I'm taking you out so we can have a proper first date somewhere nice". 

Grantaire didn’t have to look up to picture the smile blooming on Enjolras' face. He still did, because he loved seeing his rosy lips part and expose unbelievably shiny teeth, and the little crinkles that appeared on the sides of his eyes when he did so. Enjolras caught him staring, and his smiled died down a bit. 

"What's wrong?" He frowned, still looking beautiful. Now, hair lighted by the corridor's lamp, it looked like there was a halo around Enjolras' head. 

"You're beautiful", Grantaire commented absentmindedly. Enjolras chuckled, pulling Grantaire closer as they finally reached the front door of the hospital. 

"You're beautiful too", Enjolras said. "And adorable, specially when somewhat high on pain meds". 

"I'm not high", Grantaire protested, pretending he wasn’t feeling slightly lightheaded. "I'm just honest. You're the most beautiful man to ever inhabit the face of Earth" 

"Now you're just flattering me", Enjolras smiled, rolling his eyes affectionately. They reached his car and Enjolras pulled the door open for Grantaire, helping the tired man inside and fastening his seatbelt before rounding the car and entering the driver's seat. 

"I'm not, though", Grantaire commented. "I really think you're beautiful. Why don’t we go to mine so I can show you?" 

"R, we talked about this-" Enjolras started, trying to hide his blush. 

"No, I really want to show you something", Grantaire quickly added. "A painting. You can have it, if you want". 

Enjolras' blush deepened and he quickly started the car, remembering what Courfeyrac had said about Grantaire having a portrait of him on his bedroom. Before Enjolras had even doubled the corner of the hospital, Grantaire was already fast asleep on the passenger's seat, head leaning on the rest and mouth slack from exhaustion. 

Resolving to attend to Grantaire's request, Enjolras drove to Grantaire's place, parking in front of the man's apartment building and gently kissing Grantaire's cheek to rouse him from sleep. The man blinked sluggishly until his vision focused on Enjolras, an instant smile growing on his face. 

"Wake up, sleeping beauty", Enjolras jested, offering a hand to aid Grantaire to get up from the seat. 

"No need for sarcasm, Enjolras", Grantaire offered back, a smirk on his face. 

"I'll prove to you that I think you're beautiful, too", Enjolras said, kissing Grantaire's temple as they went up the stairs. 

"I'm so tired", Grantaire yawned. "I can't wait to sleep in my bed again. Can we take a two year long nap?" 

"As long as we're cuddling, we can take a nap as long as you want it to be", Enjolras said. 

"It will really take me some time to get used to you being all affectionate", Grantaire chuckled humorlessly. "This is really unusual". 

"I'm sorry", Enjolras apologized with sincerity. "I'm sorry I've always been so rude to you". 

"It's ok, Apollo. It's not like I wasn’t rude to you too". 

As they entered the apartment, Grantaire pulled Enjolras directly towards his bedroom, quickly kicking his shoes off and allowing himself to drop soundly on his bed, letting out a relieved moan as he did so. 

"Man, it feels good to be out of that hospital for once", Grantaire purred happily, but Enjolras didn’t pay attention. He was too busy staring at the portrait on the wall. 

Courfeyrac was right about the portrait being of Enjolras, but he didn’t mention that the rest of the Amis were there either. 

Enjolras stood on the center, lighting of the portrait shifting so that the leader was the first subject the observer saw. His golden hair glowed and all the colors Grantaire had used on him were stunning, contrasting with the background. Beside him, but on second plan, was Combeferre, offering him a piece of paper to look at, while Enjolars stared straight ahead at the observer, green eyes glowing with righteous fury. On Enjolras' other side stood Courfeyrac, looking up towards something the observer could not see. Behind them, the other Amis were following their usual meeting-routines, all busy with something related to the cause. They were inside the Musain, but only now Enjolras realized that Grantaire was nowhere to be found on this portrait. 

"Why are you not in this?" He asked, not looking back at his boyfriend. 

A few tense seconds passed before Grantaire answered. 

"I'm not part of the cause", he said. "I've never done anything to help it. It wouldn’t be right to include myself in the Amis de L'ABC". 

"It wouldn’t be right _not_ to include you", Enjolras said, tenderly, turning around and climbing the bed to lie beside Grantaire. "You're one of us as much as any other Ami. You belong with us". 

"I don't, Enjolras", Grantaire sighed, turning his face to hide it from Enjolras as the leader spooned him. "I know we're dating now, but that doesn’t change my opinions. I still disagree with you on many things, including your activism". 

Enjolras sighed, knowing that was true. 

"I know", he said, placing a kiss on Grantaire's curls. "And that doesn’t make me love you any less. But even if you don’t think you belong in our cause, you belong with us. You're our friend, you're my boyfriend, your place is by my side". 

"And I am by your side", Grantaire said. "Just not in the portrait, because I didn’t want to ruin it with my ugly face". 

Enjolras propped himself up on one elbow, gently pulling Grantaire back by his shoulder until the man was finally lying on his back, staring at Enjolras. 

Enjolras leaned down, placing a kiss on the tip of Grantaire's nose. He started filling the man with tiny kisses across his face, on his nose, on his chin, on his cheeks, on his forehead, over his acne scars, until finally reaching his lips. 

"You're beautiful", Enjolras whispered on his ear before kissing the lobe. 

Grantaire let out a shuddery breath, not responding. 

"Have I ever lied to you before?" Enjolras asked, kissing Grantaire's shoulder. 

"No", Grantaire whispered, not looking at his boyfriend. 

"Then you know I'm not lying about this", Enjolras said, nudging Grantaire's chin gently with the tip of his fingers until the man finally met his eyes. "I think you're beautiful, and I love you, and I'll keep repeating those things until you believe me, because they're true". 

Enjolras placed a light kiss over each of Grantaire's eyelids before meeting his lips again. They kissed passionately then, until Grantaire was too breathless to continue. Enjolras dropped back on the bad behind him, aligning himself with his boyfriend's body and cuddling him. 

"I love you, Enjolras", Grantaire said as soon as his breath started to even out. 

"I love you too, R", Enjolras responded, placing an open palm over his boyfriend's chest and feeling his steady heartbeat. He fell asleep to the sensation, and to Grantaire's scent filling his nostrils. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not even sorry anymore  
> Kudos and comments make me happy, I'm always open to constructive criticism and you can find me on edema--ruh.tumblr.com ♥


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